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Friday Flu Wiki Humor -- Diary 3

by: Bronco Bill

Sun Aug 19, 2012 at 17:01:17 PM EDT


If you need a break, if you're tired of all the bad news, if you just want something different than swine flu, bird flu, dog flu, seagull flu, possum flu, one flu over the cuckoo flu...

Post your (family friendly) jokes here...

The original diary can be found here
and the 2nd Diary can be found here

Bronco Bill :: Friday Flu Wiki Humor -- Diary 3
Tags: , , , (All Tags)
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BB, thanks for starting a new diary!
A Night in the Bar

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
*************************************

A Lawyer!

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"
********************************

The Boss

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
***********************************

A Lease is a Lease

A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it!"
************************************

Forgetful Thief

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened"? he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man. "I forgot to let go of the brick."
*************************************

Backseat Driver

My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst backseat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it.

She claims she seldom, if ever, makes comments about my driving. I, of course, claim the opposite. And now I have proof!

The other day, we were headed to the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"
**********************************

Incredible Date

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards, they go to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible.

"You know," he said. "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet"?

"No," she replies.

"You just happened to catch my eye!"
***************************************

Time Off

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted a little "crazy," he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing"?

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going"?

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark!"



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, have a great weekend!
Payback

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now, ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason why this couple should not be married. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke bombs and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous, so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five!"
**************************************

Wrong Name

"Next," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern.

"I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"
*****************************************

Learning to Play Golf

This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her how to play golf. Finally, one morning, he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now, watch me and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup. The husband looks at what happened and says, "Okay, now you know how to play, let's go home."
*****************************************

Any Suggestions?

For the second time in six weeks, a man had fallen off his horse and broken some ribs. Coincidentally, the doctor in the emergency room at the hospital was the same both times.

Since there isn't much that can be done for broken ribs, he prescribed a pain killer and sent the man on his way.

As the man turned to leave, he jokingly asked, "Is there anything you can recommend for my horse?"

The doctor paused and thought for a moment, then said, "If it were me, I'd get another rider."
********************************************

Breathe

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies"?

"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash"?
****************************************

Medicine Mishap

An older man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he"? the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders"?

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since December."
*****************************************

My Job Title

My job is in the Aerospace industry and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain link?"
********************************************

Mowing the Lawn

There was a small town nestled in a valley that was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally, everyone headed for higher ground. Once they all arrived, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.

After a few hours of looking, it seemed that they were all safe, but then they could see a little straw hat bobbing downstream about 50 yards and then bobbing back upstream 50 yards. It then moved to the side and bobbed downstream and then back upstream and it kept repeating this.

Nobody could figure out why the hat was behaving so strangely. After they pondered this for awhile, a young boy recalled his granddad saying that come hell or high water, he was going to get the lawn mowed!



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


These are great!
Some of the best jokes yet, Carol! Thanks for ending my week on a giggly note...  :-)

[ Parent ]
"Mowing the Lawn"
cracked me up! LOL Glad you enjoyed the jokes.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
It Will Cost You

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter - yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."
**************************************

Oh, Boo!

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
*****************************************

A man goes to see his doctor because of a problem he is having concerning his memory. The man tells the doctor "I have been having lots of problems remembering things that happened in the past couple of hours, you know, my short term memory." The doctor replies "How long has this been going on?"

The puzzled man looks back at the doctor and says "How long has what been going on?"
************************************

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
*******************************************

That Bee Stung Me!

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please, doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee!"

"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body the bee stung you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"

"Which one?" the doctor asked.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"
*************************************

Which is Better?

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this or like this?'"
*****************************************

Lessons of Marriage

At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!
******************************************

The Teacher's Pet

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know"?

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know"? asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine"? she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne"? she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it"?

The boy replied, "A puppy!"
****************************************

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, Have a great weekend!
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
************************************

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it.
*************************************

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
************************************

The Letter

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk.
*****************************************

Move Your Car

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening.

Finally, losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way"?

"No," he replied. "It's parked in the wrong driveway."
**************************************

You Mean You're Not?

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings."
************************************

Not a Single One!

A couple moved to the country when they retired.

One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So, they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellents. The kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice.

The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent. He told her that it worked on everything from mice to elephants.

"Really"? she said. "Mice to elephants, huh"? sounding a bit skeptical.

"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"
***************************************

Good Idea!

Martha, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other peoples' business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Martha made a mistake, however, when she accused Sam, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck one afternoon parked in front of the town's only bar. She commented to him and others that everyone seeing his truck there would surely know what he was doing. Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He did not explain, defend, nor deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Martha's house and left it there all night.  

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, have a great weekend!
That's just cruel!

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
*************************************

Only $15

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so, I think."

"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
**************************************

Any way you can, I guess...

Randy tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.

The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
*********************************

Come back when you're ready!

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can easily read this, come back and see me."
************************************

Job Description

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in marketing, not management."
**********************************

What I don't eat won't fill me

"I never eat food containing unnatural coloring or preservatives, or sprayed vegetables, or meat that has been pumped with hormones or similar, unnatural growth-enhancing stuff."

Well, how do you feel?

"Very hungry."
**********************************

Bragging done wrong

An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

"You know," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher."

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."
*********************************

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is
61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing, and without looking up and said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


A little Friday humor

Courtesy of Dilbert by Scott Adams

LOL I love reading Dilbert.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend, BB!
Bad News

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news"?

"The guy was your doctor."
**************************************

The Rookie

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game.

He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.

The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, he took me out when I had a no hitter going!"
************************************

Fireworks

One year, Jim's family was having the "extended family Fourth of July cookout" at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks they had bought out of state, because they're illegal in their state, of course!

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying his neighbor's plans had just fallen through and could they bring them along to the picnic. They even had extra food to bring.

"Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Jim and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Jim disappears and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back.

"Just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed."

They head out to the back as Jim comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well"?

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
**********************************

Being Free

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"
***********************************

Baby Brother

Little Johnny's mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," he replied.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well," replied little Johnny, "There's only so much I can blame on the dog."
***********************************

Winner, winner?

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."
**************************************

"Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left."
~Jean Kerr

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
~Groucho Marx
**************************************

Now You Pretend

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So, one day out on the lake, he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So, she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.
*************************************

Watch Out For Ice

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable.

Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign.

"Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on, there was another sign.

"Ice 5 miles."

The next one was "Ice 1/2 mile."

We practically crept that half-mile.

We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, hope you didn't get any storm damage.
Teenage Son

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for a full recovery."

"How can you say all of that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"
***************************************

One Difficult Question

An interviewer says, "Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult question. Think hard before you make up your mind."

"Ummm, I'd like one very difficult question."

"You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me which comes first: day or night?"

"The day, sir."

"And how did you reach that conclusion?"

"Sorry, sir. I can't answer that. I said I would only answer one difficult question.
**************************************

I Forgot

After a physical, a man gets a call from his doctor, "I've got bad news and worse news."

"What's the bad news"?

"You've got 24 hours to live."

"How could there be any worse news"?

"I forgot to call you yesterday."
***************************************

Two Little Boys

Two little boys, ages eight and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent the eight-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son"?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed and his mouth hanging open. So, the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God"?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened"?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time. "God is missing and they think we did it!"
************************************

Yard Sale

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me. My bridge club is having a charity sale and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"
****************************************

A Good Plan

A retired couple were discussing aspects of their furture. "What will you do if I die before you do?" the husband asked his bride.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then she asked him, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied,"Probably the same thing."
*******************************************

Sixtyish

A sixtyish woman whose husband was overly attentive to the young ladies at a party explained to a neighbor: "He's like a puppy running after cars. He doesn't want to catch one - he just wants to bark at them a little."
****************************************

The Unknown Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.
**************************************

The Unbreakable Comb

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look at them by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally, to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the "unbreakable" comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
***************************************

Gas

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


Have a great weekend, BB!
Memory Class

A man and his wife are out walking when they encounter a friend. The man says to his friend, "I've got to tell you about this memory course we took. It's fabulous!"

"I could use it. What's it called?"

"Uh, what's that red flower you give to someone you love?"

"A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one."

"A poppy?"

"No, no, no. You know, the one that's red and has thorns."

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you. Rose, what's the name of that memory course?"
**********************************

The Prison Quartet

While I was preaching at a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said. "Behind a few bars and always looking for the key."
**************************************

Kidney Stones

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining about severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
****************************************

Mom Used to Be

A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that covered one wall in their basement.

Out of sight, but not out of earshot, her mother overheard her say, "Here's a picture of my mommy when she was a little girl. I wasn't there, but people say she used to be nice."
**********************************

(Note: This ones for all the dog lovers.)

Dogs and Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Do it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark.

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I am not one of them, so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
*************************************

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
***************************************

Two Wives

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The second old guy says, "That's okay. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like"?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27-years-old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like"?

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!"



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, have a great weekend!
Fishing Mirror

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for"?

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work"?

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week"?

"You're the sixth," he said.
****************************************

Doctor's Orders

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
*****************************************

An Older Mother

With the miracles of today's modern medicine, a 75-year-old woman had a baby and when she returned from the hospital, her friends visited her to see the new baby.

She invited them in and told them they could see the baby after having a cup of tea. After tea, they asked again, but she fobbed them off by telling them she wanted to talk some more.

Eventually, they got impatient and insisted they see the child, but she told them they would have to wait until the baby cried.

"Why"? they asked.

"Because I've forgotten where I left it!"
**************************************

Management Training

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on those decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous, "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker. "There would still be five, because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
*************************************

We do what?

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
*****************************************

The Mysterious Note

As she was about to leave the house for her new job, she thought it would be fun if he picked her up at work and they could go out to dinner. She put a note on their dining room table that said, "For a good time, call..." and she put her new work number.

When her husband failed to call, she took the bus home.

"Where were you?" she asked. "Didn't you get my note?"

"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it."
***************************************

Mystery Man

A guy was hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly, he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door, when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel. Just then, the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just gone through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it"?
*******************************************

Men vs. Women

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise, they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general and she was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
****************************************

Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.

"Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.

"Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... that I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Iran. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed.



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


Be good this weekend, BB. Santa Claus is coming to town real soon! LOL
Living a Fantasy
A wild-eyed man dressed like Napoleon with his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me about your problem."

"I don't have a problem. In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want. Money, women, power, everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the doctor. "And what seems to be her problem?"

"For some strange reason, she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
*************************************

Just Ask Me

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead, she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me!"
***************************************

My Watch is Slow

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch, but heard it crash before he had taken three steps.

The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.

The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.

"How did you do that"? asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 20 minutes slow."
**************************************

Go to the Hospital

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence"? asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right"?

"Yes," says the man, "I'm okay now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 store."
************************************

Accidental Meeting

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning and right away, I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me, he used really bad language and he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
************************************

The Secret to a Long Marriage

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."

Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."

Pete said, "I'm going to go get her."
***************************************

Here's Your Diploma

A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy.

Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma" or, "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma" and so on.

Eventually, a bewildered shopper who had heard all this, finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!"
***************************************

(**Note: If you think you will be offended by a religious joke then please skip this last one.)

Friendly Game of Golf

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, Have a good and healthy weekend!
And watch out for those birds flying over you. They might be part of the bioterrorism warfare squardon that has splattered Indonesia!! LOL

Can't Outwit the Old Guy

One evening, an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
*************************************

Which Service?

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this"? he asked.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45"?
*********************************

Family Dinner

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our 28 member family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs.

"Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

"Don't look where"? my brother asked.

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!"
***************************************

Why, You...

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Lora said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Lora, how dare you talk about your father like that!"
*************************************

I'll Hold That...

One morning Jackie and her baby were taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."

Jackie, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an older man.

The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied,"He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."

"I think I will report him," she agreed.

The older man said, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
*******************************

I'll Have Another...

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"
***********************************

Mind Games

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you"?

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"
*****************************

Uh-Oh...

A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ?

"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years."

Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years.

Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde ?"

"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3 times".
**********************************

***(Note: If you think you might be offended by a couple of religious jokes then please skip these last two. This is just all in fun and it isn't my intention to offend anyone. Carol @SC)

**********************************

Nagging Wife

A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
***********************************

One Wish

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


Have a great weekend, BB!
(Here's an oldie but a goodie.)
The Farmer

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men"? the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
*************************************

Ski Lift Trouble

A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered"? he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
****************************************

Silence is Boring

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
*****************************************

My Car! My Car!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex! My Rolex!".
*****************************************

Left Turn

My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"
******************************************

Free Fall...

Scott and Glenn are standing on top of a cliff. Scott has a budgie on his shoulder, while Glenn has a parrot.

Scott jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and he continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap.

Then Glenn jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but he quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend.

Scott looks up and says, "Geez, that budgie jumping isn't any fun."

To which Glenn replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either."
***************************************

Escape!

Andrew and Morgan are playing on the swings together.

"I'm really worried," Andrew says, "My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

"What have you got to worry about?" Morgan replies, "Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

"Yeah, I guess," responds Andrew, "But what if they try to escape?"
****************************************

Out for Dinner

A cattle rancher went into town on a Saturday night for a sit down steak dinner. When the waiter brought him his steak, it was rare, very rare. The cow puncher looked at it and demanded that it be returned to the kitchen and cooked.

"It is cooked," snapped the waiter.

"Cooked nothing," replied the cow puncher. "I've seen cows injured worse than this and recover!"
*******************************************

Coming in Late

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
****************************************

Acceptance Testing

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


These are some of the best yet! :-)
Thanks, Carol, for the Friday giggles! LOL!!

[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
(You've probably already heard most of these but maybe there's a repeat giggle in here somewhere.)

The Best Comeback Ever

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene"?

A: "No, sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description"?

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers"?

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties"?

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room"?

A: "Yes, sir. I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker"?

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers"?

A: "You see, sir. We share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and he'll probably win!
***************************************

The Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000"?

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return"?
************************************

Real Nice

One day, these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says, "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice"?

To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."

The first woman then says, "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."

The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."

"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places"?

"Oh," the second woman responds, "When we first got married, he did send me to etiquette school."

"Why'd he do that"? the first woman asks.

To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewelry their husband gave them or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I could really care less, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
*****************************************

Hair Cut

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here"?

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
****************************************

Meeting the Neighbors

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey, Dad, announced Billy. "Have you met the new neighbors"?

"No."

"Come on, Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time. I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they"? I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained. "We haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
*************************************

Family Jewels

Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked, "Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'family jewels.'"
***************************************

Ten Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only!
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
**************************************

Counting Sheep

The accountant came to work looking exhausted. After awhile, his boss took him aside and said, "You look terrible! What's wrong?"

"Sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night."

"Why didn't you try counting sheep?"

"That was the problem. I made a mistake and it took me the rest of the night to find it."
*****************************************

Going to a Baseball Game

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened"?

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"
*************************************

Preaching to a bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


Have a great weekend, BB!
(History Love sent this first one to me for the Friday jokes.)

22 Adult Truths!

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the **** are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
***************************************

E-mail Me

Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?

Ops Guy: I've copied you on every e-mail I sent to them!

Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
***************************************

Insufficient Funds

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?"

"You told me to put my money in that big bank and now, that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the oldest, largest and most stable banks in the state. There must be some mistake."

"I don't think so. They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
***************************************

Gone Hunting

A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Bubba"? the others asked.

"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bubba laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!"
*****************************************

Pizza Coupon

My sister went to the local pizzeria to pick up a pizza. Her eight-year-old son wanted to go in and get the pizza himself. So, she gave him $20 and a $2 off coupon for a $15 pizza.

When he came back, he still had the coupon and some change and she asked, "Didn't they take the coupon?"

He replied, "Oh, we didn't need the coupon. We had enough money."
******************************************

The Secret to Marriage

"So, what's the secret to your 52 years of marriage?"

"We never go to sleep angry."

"That's a great philosophy."

"Yes, the longest we've gone without sleep is five days. So far."
***************************************

Out of Control

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill ...and see if it happens again."
****************************************

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that?! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So, he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So, that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, have a great weekend!
If you think you will be offended by a little Christian Humor then skip this first one. It is not my intention to offend anyone and this is all just in fun.

Little Christian Humor

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments..

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs .

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed....

Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES ...
*************************************

A good deal

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said, "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law,"Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law, "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law., "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man, "Buy me out."
***********************************

Slow

Two workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail.

"Why did you step on that snail, Tom?," asked his perplexed coworker.

"Cause that stupid snail's been following me around work all day!"
*********************************

Some Breeds...

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
**********************************

The Talking Metronome

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you."

I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked. "One, two, three, four," it said.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four, three, two, one'"?
********************************

Doggie Bags

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly.

"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!"

"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.

Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
************************************

Your Order

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."
*************************************

The Great Escape

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After two years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually, he arrived at his house and he rang the door bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good for nothing bum! Where have you been? You escaped over 12 hours ago!"
**********************************

Cow(oh boy) Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,

"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, have a great weekend!
(History Lover sent the first 2 jokes to me.)

The Hair Cut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber opened his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut and tries to pay his bill but the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber opened up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut and tries to pay his bill but the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber opened up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
**************************************

Lucille's Birthday

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00
for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,'
and breakfast had been included, had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
***************************************

Parallel Parking

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain.

Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park"?
************************************

Pass It On

My husband and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When my husband began a story, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.

There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly, he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly, we realized what had happened. Sheepishly, we returned to our table. His boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one, I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along."
*****************************************

You Look Fine

I was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends in Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering if I needed to switch trains in Stamford.

Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, "Do I need to change?"

"No," he replied immediately. "You're fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your outfit. Very coordinated!"
*****************************************

The Golf Ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off when a salesman runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it"?

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water"?

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, it detects where the shore is and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods"?

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark"?

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it"?

"I found it."
*********************************

Hold for the Picture

A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five- year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now, the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing, he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator that was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in, he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator."

To which the lady replies, "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back!"
******************************************

Sealed with Love

While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.

One day, my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick. Resealed in Seattle."
*******************************************

Yes, Mother

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Jennifer has been most difficult. I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!"
****************************************

Locked Car

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left, a little more to the right!"
*************************************

Huh?

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man"?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian"?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost"?

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection"? the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be"?

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


Have a great weekend, BB!
Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his Captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
*********************************

Beware of the Dog!

The little country store had a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" Inside, there was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" one customer asked the owner.

"Yep, that's him."

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted the sign, people kept tripping over him."
***************************************

What's Good Here?

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
*****************************************

First Date

A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So, he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1: The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes and then rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite awhile.

When he gets home, he picks up the phone and calls her.

She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

He gets excited. He thought she'd say no way, but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about nine. You should be finished eating by then."
*************************************

Army Cook

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."
******************************************

Museum Tour

"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" a tourist asked the museum guard.

"They are three million, four years and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number. How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here and that was four and a half years ago."
***************************************

Downsizing

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts they recently heard about in the newspaper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."
******************************************

Big John

A new bus driver stopped at a bus stop, opened his door, and on stepped a huge hulk of a man: six feet eight, muscles everywhere, he announced to the driver, "Big John don't pay!" and sat down at the back.

The driver was about five feet three, 120 pounds, so he didn't argue with Big John. The next day, the same thing happened: Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And on and on.

The driver started losing sleep over how Big John was taking advantage of him, until he could take no more. He joined a gym, signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and worked out religiously. Within six months, he was strong; what's more, he was self-confident.

The next Monday, Big John once again got on the bus and announced, "Big John don't pay!"

This time the bus driver stood up, glared back at him, and said firmly, "And why not?"

A surprised Big John replied, "Big John got bus pass!"
****************************************

The Circle

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.

When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats.

When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.

He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked him.

Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


BB, have a great weekend!
Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?".
*************************************

Rifle Range Trouble

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!

His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. "What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a telephone repair man," replied the recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!".
************************************

It's Magic

I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked by and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch.

"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I warned him.

Just then, the case burst open. He stared at me with something akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you do that?"
****************************************

With This Ring

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So, one evening, I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring," I began romantically.

"We could pay off the Visa," he responded.
***********************************

Who Was That?

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
****************************************

Knowing Grandma

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking it all in.

At last, she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************

Three Little Pigs

Three little pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came to take their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want water. Lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want water. Lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and awhile later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want water. Lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to go wee, wee, wee all the way home!"
************************************

Grief Counseling

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor.

"We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said the counselor. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" "Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven."

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!"
******************************************
Everybody's a Comedian

I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice.

"I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?"

"Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     


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