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A Diary For The FluWiki Tired

by: Okieman

Thu Jul 19, 2007 at 23:40:39 PM EDT


Here's a diary for those who are tired (in some parts of Oklahoma it's pronounced "tard"). 

Well, I'm tard.  I've been following this issue for some time.  By in large, the debates don't interest me anymore, and when they do it is probably because they got me riled up over something.  When I finally get it out of my system, I'm just that much more tard than I was before.  Often, they seem so futile.

I don't want the pandemic to come, but I am tired of trying to stay on top of the issue.  I'm tard of the whole thing.

So...when your tard and feel like you need a place to flop down and prop your feet up...here's a place to do so.  Griping and moaning is allowed so long as you stay civil about it.  No serious debates are allowed though.  Take 'em outside to another diary and let the rhetorical fists fly there;-)

If this diary dies a quiet death, then so be it.  I'm too tard to care anymore;-) 

Okieman :: A Diary For The FluWiki Tired
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A Diary For The FluWiki Tired | 155 comments
This won't die a quick quiet death.
This has been discussed in various forms such as prepping burn-out.  It is part of prepping. The stronger we believe it is imminent, the more likely we are going to suffer from this burn out. The more emotionally invested we are, the stronger the 'tiredness'.

I am learning to cope and I tell myself this is going to be with us for as long as I live. If it's "too much", I get away for a while. I just feel I am lucky that I am not in Indonesia. They are already coping with the imminence every day.


You want perspective. I want perspective. Let's talk. We don't have to agree on every thing. If we do, one of us is redundant.

Burn-out
Yea, I'm familiar with the term prepping burn-out.  Experienced that some time ago.  Now I'm into news info/debate burn-out.

I was tard with the first, then have gotten tard all over again with the second.

I guess you could say I've been tard and retarded. 

;-)

[ Parent ]
everyone needs a break
and summer is a good time for it. You can't run a marathon at sprint speed!

And besides, even when you're tard, your contributions here are enormous ;-0

[ Parent ]
Thanks Dem n/t

[ Parent ]
DemFromCT - how do you always find the best quotes !! :o)
You can't run a marathon at sprint speed!
[ Parent ]
I want to know how
Dem and SusanC keep doing this without burnout! I know  pan prepardness is their passion, but geeze, how do they deal with the stress of all that, plus their jobs and family? And do they ever feel on the point of "burn out?"

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
we have ups and downs
but try to stay on an even keel. We learned from Turkey not to jump too quick on the latest news while always learning the value of surveillance.

We know we have folks from all sorts of agencies checking us every day.

We know it can be tomorrow or three years.

And we know that flexibility in thinking is more important than plans. We try to practice what we preach. ;-)

[ Parent ]
flexibility in thinking is more important than plans.
  Sept 11th, 2001 - all planes where grounded without plans. The review said "No plan could do as good as job as those already at the controls."

  Also during the 1969 blackout as engineers came in they relized they needed to re-start a system designed to never go down. It should never have stopped. There was no plan nor time to figure out how.

  Apollo 13 - O2 tank exploded. new filtration system was made from on board parts and duct tape.

  Note: When people feel safe accidents happen. Linemen take their gloves off. Two FedEx pilots in a holding pattern argue about why a console light is out as their plane literally spirals into the ground killing all on board.

  Titanic makes best speed as she is "unsinkable"

Kobie

[ Parent ]
I switch around my irons in the fire LOL!
If one gets too hot ... I take it out and replace it with something else. 

Lord knows I have enough of them going, both personally and professionally.  I couldn't do this if I worked for someone else.  I don't know how other people who do, get everything done.

As a business owner I'm busier than I've got a right to be, but at least I still have some flexibility regarding my time.  Some of y'all must have incredible time management skills.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead

[ Parent ]
I don't experience it as burnt out
but I do have 2 problems.  One is I have health challenges that tend to relapse at unexpected times.  It gets frustrating for me cos I'm impatient, and can never slow myself down enough to get the proper amount of rest needed to get well fast, if that makes any sense.  Like just now, after a second week of meetings and stuff, I'm really feeling the need to slow down.

The second one is there are times when it feels like all that I ever come across are walls.  And I would butt my head against them and get nowhere.  Most of the time, my solution is a cognitive one, ie learning to think about it in a different way.

Exercise helps, although I'm not getting enough of it.  But taking walks when I'm frustrated definitely helps.  I have gotten into the habit, even in the middle of the night, to put on a coat and go walk outside in the fresh air, now that I live in the country.  Even just a 5 minute fast trot, when I need it.  Which makes it hard when I'm on the road and living out of hotels in the middle of the city.

Other than that, I guess I have my share of good and bad days, like everyone else.  ;-)



All 'safety concerns' are hypothetical.  If not, they'd be called side effects...

[ Parent ]
There IS something about going outside
in the middle of the night. I find myself out in my herb garden next to the woods, just walking around, looking at my garden, trying to clear my head. I also like to watch the sky at night. It's beautiful the view I have. I like being out in the heat of the night, with the croaking frogs and chirping crickets keeping me company. However, my family thinks this is very strange. ;-)

Sometimes, even on a very cold, snowy night, I'll bundle up and step outside for a moment, and check the sky. That's about all there is to look at. Everything else is WHITE! I loath snow with a passion!! But that's another story.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com

[ Parent ]
Thanks
I know you and I have butted heads a bit lately, but I want you to know I appreciate all the work you do.  I don't always agree with some of your assessments, but I know you have a great heart and a keen intellect, unwilling to go quietly into the night before our common enemy.  Thank you.
[ Parent ]
same here ;-)
I appreciate the same in you too.  Thank you!



All 'safety concerns' are hypothetical.  If not, they'd be called side effects...
[ Parent ]
Or
Since it's BF, perhaps "Tard and feathered"?  Sorry, couldn't resist...
[ Parent ]
or maybe...
Birds of a feather get tard together.  Yea...it wasn't that funny, but oh well....
[ Parent ]
Not bird flu - a news item from 1959
1959 - Ultimate Air Mail?
The first (and only) delivery of Missile Mail. The US Post Office tries once then abandons efforts to move mail by submarine-fired missiles.
Theme song?
When I read this diary, the song that keeps going through my head is "I'm Tired" sung by Madeline Kahn as Lili Von Shtupp in Blazing Saddles (http://www.youtube.c...)
me, too! running in my head now... n/t

[ Parent ]
I'd love to kick my feet up for a while :)
I hear ya. 

I know what I've done is good
I know what I've done is right
what I don't know is if it is enough

In this never ending loop of preparing
it's easy to get worn out
what's tough is to get worn in
to know what the implications may be
to know what the lack will bare
what I don't know is if I can do enough

I fight being tired
I look again and see the callous all around
don't want to talk anymore
don't want to argue anymore
just let me do what I know I must
stand beside me and let me know
that you know I do it for us


Instructions for Giving a Cat a Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor?s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.

12) Ring fire department to retrieve cat from telephone poll across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie cat?s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat?s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on the way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

that's the funniest thing LOL
I've read for a long time!  Thank you!

You know, of course, that I'm a dog type.



All 'safety concerns' are hypothetical.  If not, they'd be called side effects...

[ Parent ]
Laughter the best medicine....
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.

I've got tears rolling down my face from this vision!!!

I am not like other birds of prey....

[ Parent ]
I just spewed coffee all over the keyboard!
Thanks Larry, I needed that laugh!

This reminds me of when my son was little he loved to take things apart-he wasn't allowed to go near a screwdriver.  At the time we lived near the county line which for whatever stupid reason was where people would drop off unwanted cats.  I adore cats but could only keep so many so I would gather up the orphaned cats and take them to the animal shelter. 

One day a very small feral cat, a kitten really, showed up.  After days of tempting the kitten with kitty treats, and donning a pair of heavy leather gloves, I finally made a lunge for the kitty,doing a full body block of this maybe four pound cat with my considerably more than four pound body, grabbed it up and managed the shove it in a kitty carrier, only to watch the carrier fall to pieces and this tiny cat streak across the yard.  Yes my son had removed all the screws from the carrier-it had the kind you could twist off.  DH laughed til he cried-he actually had to sit down.  He was still laughing as he painted red mecuricrome all over my forearms.  Thus ended my kitty rescue career.

I still have one of those drop-off cats though- she's sitting on my feet right now as I type this.  She weighs quite a bit more than four pounds and seems to be quite happy to have been rescued.:-)

[ Parent ]
Wonderful! n/t


"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
Greenmom, just too funny!! n/t


United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A) '66 Ford Fairlane
B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Drivers test
A 32 ton semi single trailer carring coal with jake brake radios on channel 9 he's lost his breaks and will ditch the truck in the gravel run out by exit 13B.

  How many show up for the accident and fire?
  A) 12

  Same truck, same exit with a load of ball bearings
  A) who is ever free - ball bearing fiasco does not happen every day! Should be like an oversized claymore! Father-son bonding time.

  Same truck, same exit with a load of live chickens
  A) non - saw it in drivers ed class

  Hunting -
  A family member by marrige to your sister is shot by accident. You radio in the case. What is the proper way to reference the dead - Brother or brother in law or uncle ?

Kobie

[ Parent ]
OK, now, the Ford Fairlane is NOT in the frount yard.....
its parked discreetly over by the Grape orchard.....;-)
[ Parent ]
FORD - found on road dead, Fix or Repair Daily, just joking :)
Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable -n. a personal conveyance named for its inventor, an assasinated president, a figure of greco-roman myth and a small fur covered mamal.

Kobie

[ Parent ]
Iknow the answer to number 6
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. Ralph Waldo Emerson
[ Parent ]
Mojo, that's hysterical!
And that is what my grandparents front porch often looked like!  ROFL!!  Dogs and kids laying everywhere!  Too funny.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead
[ Parent ]
My mongrel horde
I won't tell ya'll how many I have, but it is more than is in this picture;-)  You know, one needs redundency in one's system.  Backups for the backups.

We had a racoon out by the garden the other night (I think it was a coon) and you should have heard the racket.  And when the coyotes go to howling, my pack has a chorus with multiple part harmony.  Amazing at times...irritating at others.

ps- The picture up above can't be a redneck porch, the grass ain't high enough.

[ Parent ]
Sure it can Okie
Its whar the cheekins have dun scrached the groun so they's can dust thar feathers.  O' course when its hot, its whar the dogs go to get outun the heet.  LOL!

Seriously.  We never had to mow around the front porch.  Between the kids, the chickens, the dogs, and who knows what else, my grandmother had to use chicken wire around her flower beds.

Would I want to go back to living that way?  Probably not.  Would I want my kids to have to live that way?  Again, probably not.  It was a hard life.  But there are some wonderful memories and lessons learned among all that hard scrabble scratching.  Really, really good memories.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead

[ Parent ]
I planned on a german shephard puppy
We have an aging treeing walker coonhound but two months ago this little guy showed up. We put ads everywhere, put up signs, etc with no response. So we now have an auxillary dog, just not what we had expected.
His name is Junior.Vet says he is about two years old. He has chewed three pair of shoes, a couple of pillows, and my older dog is happy as a clam with him. My cats hate his guts.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. Ralph Waldo Emerson
[ Parent ]
Mojo ... maybe he has tried to chew on them? LOL! n/t


Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead
[ Parent ]
Our favourite and "best" pets,
have been those who just show up out of the blue one day, and decided to stay.  Junior is a cutie!
[ Parent ]
Thanks
It is our first ever little dog.I have never been fond of weiner dogs but he is sweet and hopefully he will settle down and fit in. One of the best dogs we ever had was a greyhound who just showed up so perhaps it was meant to be.

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. Ralph Waldo Emerson
[ Parent ]
Absolutely adorable mojo! I have always
wanted a miniture one.
At "the pet mill" Docture's in my mall, there was a miniture brown one, that was there forever. Every week I'd go in and see if he was still there. I grew attached to him just from the other side of the glass! They reduced his price after a while to 500.00, from 800.00. Can you believe that? My local shelter hasn't had any, but I keep checking.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
Where's the alligator?
The rattlesnakes from the roundup???  They must live in rural redneck country to be so lax...

Meteorologist in Florida!?!  Now we're talkin'!!!
[ Parent ]
LOL! Good one! n/t


Meteorologist in Florida!?!  Now we're talkin'!!!
[ Parent ]
I just tard of beating my head
against a wall with people, and them looking at me as if I need to be commited. I'm tired of people's stupidity! Then when something happens, they whine, "Why did this happen to me?" You can inform them to the hilt, and they'll still refuse it, and believe when it's too late. Why are humans like that? Is it really that society has "dumbed us?"
I believe so. It's been a slow process, but that is what's happened.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
just tard.
I'm just tard of analyzing it.  I'm tard of reading posts of people analyzing it.  I'm tard of everyone trying to "change" the government.  Tard.  Tard.  Tard.

Why are humans like that? Is it really that society has "dumbed us?"


I am not like other birds of prey....
[ Parent ]
LOL, Commonground! It sounds like
we all could use a Fluwiki party!

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
WE REALLY COULD. AND WE DESERVE TO HAVE ONE. n/t


I am not like other birds of prey....
[ Parent ]
I'm glad y'all are posting this-
because I'm tard too.  I was wondering if I was the only one.

I'm tard of bird-flu.  I'm tard of hearing about it, of the debates,etc etc.

I think its more than just the prepping part because I enjoy gardening and canning and all that.

Some days I feel guilty because I haven't written x-amount of letters to the PTB or conducted any prep seminars, or participated in blogs or whatever.

I have told every person I know about this-most pooh-poohed or laughed at me.  I have posted on bulletin boards or left reams of flyers.  Ive set free several copies of Barry's book in various docs offices, hoping somebody will get the message. 

I feel increasingly nervous about this fall/winter.  I feel we are truly running out of time.  I want to concentrate my resources-time money energy, none of which are in high supply, on prepping MY family, MY household.  I'm getting to the point where I don't bloody care about everyone else because Im so tard of trying to get people to listen-but I really really don't want to be in an "I told you so" position 6 months from now.

I didn't sign up to be a Cassandra.

[ Parent ]
Yep Greenmom, I hear you.
I don't need people blowing up at me and calling me horrible names, and telling me I'm a fear monger. And it's not like I'm standing on a corner in Watertown with a sign around my neck, yelling we're all gonna die, if you don't get prepared. Quiet the contrary. As interested as I am in human behavior, this one boggles me to no end.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
3 more slices of humor
Bayou Fishin'
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . . wif two more frogs

Bayou Hitchhiker
This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!
But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, der's dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain."

British Complaint Letter
Apparently the U.S. cable companies have modeled themselves on their sister companies in Great Britain. For those of you who appreciate fine wordsmithing, this is an actual British complaint letter. His piece suggests at least three things:
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).
2) The Brit's probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
3) This gentleman is really mad!

"Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service, which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 PM and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that: a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman, and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NT and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order.

BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,

Robert Stokes"

I was an NTL customer and they ARE the worst company ever.
After leaving them for another internet/TV provider it took six months and a backup call from a BBC radio celebrity consumer rights campaigner to get them to stop billing me. I laughed for about an hour when I first read this letter.
[ Parent ]
The British are so much
more diplomatic about these things, don't you think? I loved the complaint letter.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
A couple more before I leave for work...
Texas 3 Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.......You can have the duck."

Airplane Humor
Airline flight attendants and pilots sometimes make an effort to spice up the in-flight safety lecture and announcements to make them a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Heard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Do you mind if I send this to everyone I've ever met?


"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
Commandments Of The Garage - By Matt Farr
1) The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man.  No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage.

2) The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.

3) Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.

4) Honor thy rags.

5) Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.

6) Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and horizontal position.

7) Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.

8) Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.

9) Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.

10) Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m.

11) Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there?

12) Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the upstairs hallway.

13) Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.

14) Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.

15) Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.

16) Closeth the trash can at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul the air.

17) Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.

18) Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.

19) Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth not one when needed.

20) A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color for the job at hand.

21) Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged.

22) Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead.

23) I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.

24) Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself.

25) Take not the name of GOJO Creme Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in the fruity lemon scent.

The 25 Commandments
Now THAT is side-splitting. :-))
[ Parent ]
Larry G, LOL!!! Excellant stuff!
I like the one about the snake with two more frogs the best! Sounds like something my Dad would have told! I've spent a few summers when I was a teen, in Baton Rouge, and I loved it! It sure was a real culture experience for this Texas gal!

And being that I love the British sense of humor, the "complaint letter" was sweet! That's the way to tell them.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com

[ Parent ]
For Review
Comment:  We got this in an email a few years ago and by some quirk of fate the hard copy hung around.  I can't take credit for any of it, but it's worth copying here.  Here goes:

In case you ever need to write a review for someone.  These are supposedly excerpts from actual federal employee reviews!

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbin curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When she opens her mout, it seems that it is only to change feet.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady hs delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

11. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

12. He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing go hold it all together.

13. A gross ignoramous - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramous.

14. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

15. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

16. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

17. He's been working with glue too much.

18. He would argue with a signpost.

19. He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

20. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

21. When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.

22. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

23. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

24. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

25. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

26. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

27. He has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

28. I he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

29. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

30. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

31. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

32. One neuron short of a synapse.

33. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

34. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

35. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Love it, Okieman!
I'm going to have to memorize a few of these nuggets.
[ Parent ]
Okieman, I had to
recoupe after reading that! Excellant!

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
Hee, Hee- DH is getting a copy of this!
He's writing mid-year performance reviews and theres this one employee in particular.......

He'll love this!

He'll also love the Garage Commandments!

[ Parent ]
I can only imagine the look
on your face when that carrier fell apart!  LOL!!!!

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
DH said thats what cracked him up so much. :-) n/t

[ Parent ]
I'm still laughting about it.
The confused look, staring at the parts on the ground, cat takes off, your looking at the cage, then the cat. All you can do is think, "What tha....." LOL!!!

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
Drivers

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,  Cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in Terror: From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to Talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

One hand on 12oz double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Prairie Dog tails attached to antenna: WYOMING

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: NORTH OR SOUTH CAROLINA.

Larry G,
One hand out window, middle finger out, the other hand on the horn. UPSATE NEW YORK

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
What a great laugh!!!
Oh Cotton, I thought of the same thing from UPSTATE NEW YORK.

OH LOL!!!!

Two hands on wheel, driving BELOW the 30 mph speed limit, eyes glued to the road....Lakes Region, New Hampshire.

I am not like other birds of prey....

[ Parent ]
Hey CG, if you like that,
check out the bumper sticker sayings.

"Two hands on wheel, driving BELOW the 30 mph speed limit, eyes glued to the road....Lakes Region, New Hampshire. "

And we wonder where road rage comes from! LOL!

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com

[ Parent ]
Obviously has been to St. Pete
As in St. Petersburg, FL ... not long for a visit to St. Peter though.

"Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA"


Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead

[ Parent ]
Grandma's day on the raod
"The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

"I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

"I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

"It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

"I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for Jesus.

"Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people

"I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

"I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

"Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

"My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

"I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

"So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

"I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt  kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

"Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!"

ROTFLMAO!
Ok, my time for tears.
[ Parent ]
You lot are killing me here!!!!!
I'm going through alot of coffee, and it's mostly on the screen! Loved it BB!!

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
Ha! Oh NO.
That was excellent......ya they're killin me too Cotton......

I am not like other birds of prey....
[ Parent ]
O.K. speaking of bumper stickers,
I personally don't put them on my car, but I like to read them. *********

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Don't steal. The government hates compitition.

Your village called. The Idiot is missing.

You are stupid. End of story.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

This is not the life I ordered.

There's too much blood in my caffine system.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

My mind wondered, and never came back.

Keep honking while I reload.

I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

I've ran out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?

I started with nothing, and have most of it left.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com

Bumper sticker on the back of a Jeep 4x4
Pasted on upside down: "If you can read this, please roll me over"
[ Parent ]
You know, I've just had
an idea stike me. (treat it lightly, it's in a lonely place!) I think we should have a forum party, some weekend night.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
Tard too
I'm glad it's just not me. When it comes to pandemic, I'm done. Stick a fork in me. I'm tired of "following the issue" too. (Sorry, can't think of any jokes right now. Need more coffee.)
I'm glad I'm not alone banshee.
Maybe we all need a week off.

I am not like other birds of prey....
[ Parent ]
I keep thinking, I'll take a break for a few days-
but then we get some news like the Code Red in NZ.  I'm afraid to not check in, you know?

Is it just my imagination, or does it seem like the news doles itself out in bits and pieces, it tantalizes.  It reels you in with some "gotta check this out this could be IT!  then dries up.  About the time you almost but not quite relax, about the time you think, I can take a break, maybe it would be ok to buy those really cool glass beads, a frivolous mag and a pint o Ben and Jerrys instead of more beans, rice and duct tape, Some country goes Code red, or sounds an alert or something.

[ Parent ]
Great minds do think alike. ;-)
I keep thinking, I'll take a break for a few days- (0.00 / 0)
but then we get some news like the Code Red in NZ.  I'm afraid to not check in, you know?
Is it just my imagination, or does it seem like the news doles itself out in bits and pieces, it tantalizes.  It reels you in with some "gotta check this out this could be IT!  then dries up.  About the time you almost but not quite relax, about the time you think, I can take a break, maybe it would be ok to buy those really cool glass beads, a frivolous mag and a pint o Ben and Jerrys instead of more beans, rice and duct tape, Some country goes Code red, or sounds an alert or something. 

by: Greenmom @ Fri Jul 20, 2007 at 09:29:42 AM CDT

(my version of quote. Hey, I can copy and paste now, and I can't stop!!)

That sums it all up for me Greenmom. That is exactly the same situation I'm in. And, every since I read that article in Backwoods magazine, "10 dollar a week prep" I've looked at my prepping in another way. It's almost become an obsession. Oh those glass beads!! (eyes glaze over)

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com

[ Parent ]
I just bought more preps yesterday.
I'm going through stuff, and I figure, better to restock now..instead of winter, with the blowing wind, and temps of 10 below with the windchill factor.
So I got more oil, more crisco, after I found how it takes 1/2 cup to make my recipe.....more laundry detergent.  It's nice to have it on hand all winter.

I am not like other birds of prey....
[ Parent ]
Its like being a parent-you never totaly relax.
You finally get (or take) a quiet afternoon and curl up with your favorite beverage and non-instructive reading material(its ok if its instructive material you enjoy like a craft mag or Hot-Rod digest. Its NOT ok to read the package insert of Children's Tylenol)  You get all comfy and cozy and relaxed-and somebody falls off the swing set and you spend your relaxing afternoon in the ER.

Pan-flu has become like that-its all ways in the back of my head. I'm always "listening out" for it like a parent does with a child coughing in the night.  I'm not like that with other things.  I might be a little concerned about say, meningitis, which is a scary, potentially fatal illness, but I don't scan the internet looking for meningitis outbreaks.  I don't stock up for Cholera Outbreaks.  (Ok, admittedly its been a while since we've had Cholera in Kentucky)  I'm not one of those moms who rushes their kids to the doc's office for every little bump, bruise, cough or sneeze.

I don't know why this one thing has grabbed me so fiercely-and at the same time I'm astounded that others are not caught in its grasp.  I just don't understand.

[ Parent ]
yep .. I'm tarred too
Okie, I'm so tarred it ain't even funny.  Between running our own business ... summer sucks for us, too many kids and their friends home from school breaking things their parents refuse to be responsibile for ... my kids' activities and numerous other thing I just feel like slaming the door and shutting it all out.

Of course that isn't really an option so I still get up in the morning and start all over again.

But the truth is, I am tired of the excuses from both sides.  I would give just about anything to live in a world were people were actually responsible and accountable.  Now THAT would make my life a heck of a lot easier than it is right now.

I'm done accepting excuses.  I'm done blaming nebulous entities.  There is no more "they" and "them."  It is "us" and "we."  Unfortunately that isn't always comfortable.  Because that means that I have to recognize my own place and responsibilities ... I rented to the so-and-so so I've got to accept some of the heat when it turns out to be a bad choice.  I live in the US, so I have to accept that I am part of the government system ... I pay their salaries and if I don't like the way they are doing things then I don't get to cop out, I have to speak up, even if that means more work for me.

I'm holding people on both sides accountable ... the H5N1 story has been around long enough that only a moron knows nothing about it.  If they choose not to investigate, act, or even listen that is their choice. I'm done with the idea of being guilty for the people that supposedly are too stupid to have at least picked up on it at some point in the last 10 years that it has been around.

Maybe I am just feeling ornery, but by God I am tarred of people making excuses ... for themselves and for other people.  Even if panflu doesn't happen ... and I really pray it doesn't for the sake of the children ... I am done letting people get away with stupidity because they claim "ignorance."

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead

hear, hear!!! n/t

[ Parent ]
Feeling the same way Kathy....
Tard of listening to "there'll be a vaccine for that" or "I don't have time" or "I don't have money" or "medical care is so much better than 1918." The list of excuses goes on and on and on.  While I haven't given up on trying to convince others, I don't spend much time trying anymore.  And I really tried intially - letters to everyone, information, meetings with PTB, etc.  Didn't go very far.  Now I busy myself with what I need for my family and mine only.  I'd rather do that and have more time to enjoy the summer with my kids than spend time trying to convince people who have their heads buried in the sand. 
[ Parent ]
recommend box
Remember you can recommend this diary and share the fun!
Physics exam
Let's see if I can remember how this one goes...

Three physics students had reached the end of their exams, with one last exercise to complete before earning their degree. The professors handed each of them a barometer, explaining the assignment, which was to calculate the height of the physics building using the barometer.

The first student climbed up the stairs and lowered the barometer from the top story using a ball of string. He then measured the string and returned his answer.

The second student threw his barometer off the top of the building, timed the crash with a stopwatch, and using Newton's Laws calculated the distance to the ground.

The third student went down into the basement to find the janitor. "Here," he said, "I will give you this very fine barometer if you will tell me how tall this building is."

I like it
I was dismal in college physics.  This sounds like my approach to physics problems.  I don't think the profs were amused by my ineptitude.  I know I wasn't.
[ Parent ]
Try to get this out of your head!!
A noisy noise annoys an oyster
LOL,BB! Where do you get this stuff?n/t


United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
Oh, I just...
pull them out of my...uhm...er, hat! Yeah, that's it...my hat!
[ Parent ]
more font repair
.
[ Parent ]
Oysters are so slippery and wet
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
(A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster!)

How, when, why? Who, what, where?
I don't know and I don't care!

What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
(A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster!)

This is just a song about an oyster
Oysters are so slippery and wet
Oysters have a pearl amongst the moisture
And make the sort of noise you can't forget

What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
(A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster!)

Innes much as more or less
Can you tell me? Can you guess?

What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
(A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster!)

What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
(A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster!)

What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
(A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster!)

What noise annoys a noisy oyster?
What noise annoys a noisy oyster?

[ Parent ]
Tiny bubbles
What noise do noisy oysters make?  Put your ear down real close to the tiny bubbles surfacing above an oyster bed.  It ain't the ocean your hearing;-)
[ Parent ]
bonzos
More bonzo dog doo dah band on youtube:

Jollity Farm
http://www.youtube.c...

Love is a Cylindrical Piano
http://www.youtube.c...

and more!

[ Parent ]
font repair
.
[ Parent ]
sick an tard of being sick and tard
This one's for yall
A Prayer for the Stressed,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today cause they pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work, 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Fridays, and help me to remember..... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!! AMEN
OMG, that's too good Lady Biker!
I know some people who would love that.

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
A crime for Maxwell Smart to solve...
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to post a story like this

Ohhhh, that maid my brain hurt! But it was funny! n/t

[ Parent ]
I think BB has been into his stash of RWFK! LOL! n/t


Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead
[ Parent ]
Or something else! I'll take two to go! n/t


United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
I think that the more events start to take shape
that the more we'll be in demand(hopefully). I think those that know who they can ask questions to, will start to do so. It's just going to be too late for them. That's what I see happening. It'll be hard to see that look from them when you have to say, "I tried to warn you. Do what you can now, and say a prayer, because that's all you have."

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
Alabama Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....

Amish Redneck

Q: How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood?
A: By the dead horses on cinderblocks in the front yard.
Canadian Mountie Traffic Stop

Two men are driving through Manitoba when they get pulled over by a Mountie. The Mountie walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "what the hell was that for?"

The Mountie says, "You're in Manitoba son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The Mountie runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him with the nightstick too.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true."

The Passenger says, "huh?"

The Mountie says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that jerk would've tried that with me!"

Handling a crisis
25 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.

Tard too
I'm tired too. I'd started eating into my preps when I was sick, and I found this so convenient, I'm continuing. Still got a lot though. You know, rotating the preps, that's what I'm doing. I'm feeling as if the BF threat is pretty remote at the moment. I've used up much energy and money with the business of having the well digged, and that's not finished with all the complications. The house got filthied with blue clay and the plants covered in it too, it looks like a moon landscape in the garden. I've had to wade barefoot in the liquid clay basin (which we can't evacuate at the moment) to get to the hose tap on the side of the house 'coz the worker was too tired to even think about putting boards across. My nephews built a kiddies' cabin in the garden, a really nice place of 4 square meters, very nicely done, but now with the works of the well giving us trouble, we'll have to demolish it to put it elsewhere.

I try to do my daily rounds of the news and blogs to keep up-dated but somehow, it just looks like at the moment that I'm more interested in just coping with ordinary day-to-day living.

So gimme a good laugh, these were pretty good jokes I've read on the thread.

Now what can I do with several cubic meters of pure blue clay that's going to be handy when TSHTF, I ask you???

Let me be blind to wicked text, deaf to wicked words, mute to wicked comments.

clay
Clay:

1.  Pack wet clay on burns, takes the pain away instantly, when pain comes back, re-wet the clay or gently soak off and add new clay.  Mix with lavender oil or sprinkle lavender oil on and then the clay. Heals burns in record time especially when combined with the lavender EO.  I've experienced a miracle cure with a very bad burn using cold water, then lavender and clay.  No household should be without clay!

2.  Mix with baking soda, salt and and powdered herbs and essential oil for the best toothpowder ever.  I have recipes.. basically 4 pts clay (powdered) to 1 part each salt and b. soda.  If the clay is already wet you could make tooth paste!  (if the clay is clean...)

3.  Use for fevers - make a poultice on the abdomen.  Cured my girls of bad fevers that way.

4.  Pack sprained limbs with clay.

5.  Great facial mask, mix with some other ingredients for various skin types (yogurt, a little oil, etc).  Excellent for boils, pimples, or other skin infections.

I have a book "Healing with Clay" or something like that - translated from French, you can probably get it in the original.  Great, great book - wore out my first copy.

[ Parent ]
Build a wood-fired cob oven!
I just spent 4 days in a class building a wood-fired oven out of clay, sand, straw and a few bricks.  There's a good description of the process here (http://www.earthgard...), though we used a wooden door rather than the metal one.  At the end of class we had a pizza party using the oven.  It got over 600 degrees F (had to wait until it was about 550 to make the pizzas -- quickly!); 24 hours later it was still 200 degrees inside.
[ Parent ]
Thanks BeWell
Hmmm. The clay's been digged deep, so I suppose it's clean? Or it was clean until it was dumped in the basin two days ago? They do use clay baths in spas... I could try bathing in it to have a nice skin too? Can I try drying some in the oven? At the moment, it's mostly liquid, between the water we put down the tubes to dig and the rain on top of the basin.

Let me be blind to wicked text, deaf to wicked words, mute to wicked comments.
more clay
I think to dry it into a powder you'd need industrial facilities and grinders and such.  But you could store it in its wet state in containers with lids on, for use as poultices, masks, and so on.  Funny someone just asked me about clay on PFI and I had to find my clay book since it came up twice today!  Here's the book:

Our Earth Our Cure by Raymond Dextreit, translated from the French by Michel Abehsera

It's an incredibly informative book with all kinds of natural recipes, dietary information which I think is in general quite good, herbs (some European that are not common in the US, like Linden flowers), and lots of uses of clay. I've used many of the methods described.

Good storage containers would be large glazed stoneware jars, in the US you can find antique and new ones, all sizes, people used to make pickles in them.  If you find some of those, and just cover with a plate.  If someone gets  a bad burn, just immerse it in clay.

When my kids were small, they hardly asked me when they got an "owie" - they'd head for the clay bowl!  And I think clay mixed with some water would be an excellent healing bath!  I wish I could have one.  It can clog drains so if you a clay bath better to do it in a tub outside so the clay-ey bath water can be dumped not down your regular house drain.

I'm sure the clay is clean if it looks clean, as long as you don't see dirt or foreign matter in it.

(Making pottery??)

:-)

[ Parent ]
Could you test it for cleanliness by trying to culture it somehow?
Put a couple of samples in little glass dishes with water (and something else-gelatin? agar agar? sugar?) and see if anything grows?  Maybe cover the dishes so you don't grow wild yeast.  Might be interesting even if it doesn't prove anything.  ;-)

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
My dd, a budding sculpter would dearly love
to get her hands on blue clay.  She's kind of tired of the red stuff we have here.

Or you could make hikaru dorodango (Japanese Shining mud ball)
which is basically just a mud ball that you keep rolling and working around in your hands until you work all the moisture out then you polish it with a cloth for a gazillion hours.  A mindless, repetitive, terribly therapeutic and meditative act which produces these stunningly gorgeous decorative balls. Only the Japanese could think of a way to meditate on dirt and end up with an exquisite object.

[ Parent ]
Sunday Morning Stuff For All You Tard Folks
EuroEnglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phases plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".

Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze uneserary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, v evil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas

Expressions
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Great Truths That Children Have Learned
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Hey Cats
I love you guys, but you?re making my life a living hell right now. I hope this is just a reaction to some natural disaster looming in the near future and not how you intend to live the rest of your lives. Because, if this is the way you intend to live your lives, they will be very short indeed!

White cat: Shut up! Yes, I know you?re there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my eyes. Have you ever noticed how I leave the house for around 9 hours each and every weekday? I have this job thing. This thing keeps you in food and toys and stuff. It also allows me to purchase the furniture you so readily destroy. If you keep raising hell at 5am, I will continue to be in a pissy mood and stand a good chance of being fired from my job. Result? No more stuff for you.

Black cat: Ever heard of a courtesy flush. Well, that?s what we humans do when we let loose with a particularly rank dump. In case you haven?t noticed, you specialize in particularly rank dumps and I think a courtesy flush (or in your case a courtesy scratch) would be in order. And no, scratching the floor AROUND the litter box does not count. There is a reason for that litter. Think about it and use it.

Both cats: Work with me here; stay out from under my feet. I can?t feed you if I?m unconscious on the floor. Try lying on clothes that actually MATCH your fur color instead of contrasting colors. Stay away from my food. I certainly don?t mess with yours. Make sure that all wildlife brought into the house is actually dead. I?m getting tired of cleaning up after your slasher movies. If you follow these few simple rules, you will live long and prosper and I will love you with all my heart!

Makin' Moonshine
"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again," the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the crap out of our cats."

Memo to the Family Dog and Cat
1) When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2) The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3) The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4) I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5) My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6) For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7) When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8) Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9) Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10) Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.

Never Choke in a Southern Bar
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Peeves that dogs have about humans
1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, the not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons, Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

To you who continually send me pictures of your kids
Dear Proud Parent(s),

I can't tell you what a surprise and a delight it was to receive the picture(s) of your child(ren). It seems like only yesterday when young [your child(ren)'s name(s)] was/were little more than
[ ] a hasty, sweaty grope in the dark.
[ ] a wrinkled, dripping babe in arms.
[ ] an uncontrollable, havoc-wreaking hellion.

But time flies, n'est-ce-pas? And suddenly before you know it, the little tyke is
[ ] cute as an overfed piglet.
[ ] plug-ugly jail bait in the making.
[ ] exactly the same as in the last three dozen pictures you sent.

Indeed, the family resemblance is remarkable, and in his/her/their face(s) I'm sure I can make out unmistakable indications of
[ ] you.
[ ] your spouse/partner.
[ ] some third party to be publicly named after the DNA results are in.

I can see from the picture(s) that the little bundle(s) of joy is/are going to be every bit as nice as
[ ] your first kid.
[ ] your first two kids.
[ ] the rest of the screaming horde.

As you know I have no children, and am unfamiliar with the joys and trials of parenthood. So I just have to ask -- have you
[ ] picked out a name for the little one already?
[ ] managed to raise bail yet?
[ ] ever heard of zero population growth?

Well, I guess I had better go now as some fabulously interesting singles' activity is probably calling me away, though nothing as exciting, I'm sure, as changing nappies or picking up expensive, broken toys. So in closing let me just say that
[ ] it was great hearing from you. Again.
[ ] it's time you got a grown-up life.
[ ] I have gone blind from syphilis, so don't bother sending any more pictures.

[ ] Love & kisses,
[ ] Yo,
[ ] Regrets,

Raising Kids
For those with no children - this is funny. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush, and hear the words uh oh, it's already too late.

8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12) Super glue is forever.

13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15) VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

22) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Redneck Etiquette
HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a  hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the dixie cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table - no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nasty appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantihose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

True Story
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."

When my grandfather and grandmother got married one of their wedding gifts whas a pig.  It was grandma's pig, to be exact.

Not long after the wedding grandpa came into possession of some cornmash from a local moonshiner.  Being the good farmer he was, he didn't want anything to go to waste.  So, he fed the fermented cornmash to grandma's bridal gift pig.

Apparently, the pig really, really like that cornmash.  The next time grandma came out to check on her pig it was stoned out of it's poor little mind.  She thought it was dead.  When she found out grandpa had fed it some moonshine cornmash she was not happy at all.

All couples eventually have some type of serious misunderstanding.  This was grandma and grandpa's first big spat.  They were happily married for years and years.

The pig?  I strongly suspect he had a bad hangover the next day, lived a typical on-the-farm pigs life, and then was eventually eaten.

[ Parent ]
You Might Be A Redneck Pilot If...

--your stall warning plays "Dixie."

--your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

--you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

--you've ever used moonshine as gas.

--you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

--you think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

--your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

--you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

--just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

--you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

--you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

--you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

--you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

--you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

--you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

--there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

--the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!

--when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

--you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

Showers

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake manhood at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your thingy and scratch your ***.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire thingy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

How to tell your friend his cat's dead

My friend was watching a mutual friend's cat while he was on vacation. Before he left, he warned that the cat was old (21 years old), and not doing so hot. He suspected that he was ready to die. Sure enough, the cat died on the last day of vacation. My friend asked me how he should tell him. I gave him these options to break the news.

1) "I've got good news and I've got bad news. bad news is, your cat's dead. the good news is that I saved a lot on my car insurance."

2) "hey, you're out of milk, the chips are stale, your cats dead, and the light bulb in the bathroom needs to be changed."

3) (when they walk into the apartment) *sniff* *sniff* "you smell dead cat??"

4) Leave a suicide note next to the cat with a finished bag of catnip mentioning how boring the sitter was.

5) "Are you still interested in those taxidermy classes?"

6) Get rid of the cat, draw a chalk out line, put up police tape all over the place, and act stupid.

7) "Will everyone with a live cat please step forward.....not so fast buddy."

8) "you have a couple messages: your mom called, she wants you to call her back; your landlord said the rent is late; your cat said 'bye'."

9) (when he picks him up from the airport)
sitter: Let's play a game....Dead or human?

owner: huh? ok.

sitter: you ?

owner: human

sitter: me ?

owner: human

sitter: your cat?

owner: huh ?!?!?

Real T-shirt slogans
REAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS

I childproofed my house, but they still get in!

There?s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation can?t fix.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents;
The second half by our children.

Rednecks ? keeping the woods clean of critters since 1842!

Working hard to develop new and exotic fragrances!

Don?t take life so seriously- it isn?t permanent!

Manure Occurreth!

When the going gets tough, the smart vamooses!

P.M.S. - Purchase More Shoes!

Chaos - it?s not just a theory, it?s my life!

Some days, it?s not even worth chewing through the restraints.

?To err is human, to forgive is Divine?
NEITHER IS MARINE CORPS POLICY!

POSSUM ? the other white meat!

To err is human, to blame someone else, takes management potential.

I used to think drinking was bad for me,
?.so I gave up thinking.

The Dorothy syndrome:  I seem to only attract men who are cowards, have no heart, and are in need of a brain.

I?m on a drinking team with a bowling problem!

I suffer from cruel and unusual employment.

There?s a place for all God?s creatures-
right next to the potatoes and gravy!

Age and treachery will win out
over youth and skill.

  only
JESUS LOVES YOU!

Save your breath,
- you'll need it to blow up your date.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Heart attacks-
revenge from the creatures you ate.

We divorced over religious differences;
my husband thought he was God, and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity;
I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because so many
on welfare depend on me.

I'm not a complete idiot;
some parts are missing!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.

Some people are alive
only because it is illegal to kill them.

  NYQUIL
- the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room
-spinning, cold medicine.

  Ever stop to think,
and forget to start again?

  HAM AND EGGS:
A day's work for a chicken,
A lifetime commitment for a pig.

God loves stupid people,
  he made so many!

A picture's worth a thousand words,
-but it uses up three thousand times the memory bytes.

I smile because I don't know
  what the hell is going on.

If only life could have that
movie background music!

Consciousness:
-that annoying time between naps.

  They call it PMS
because Mad Cow Disease
  was already taken.

Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, the Pope will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

The Pope said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

Star Trek: Lost Episode Transcript

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"

(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"

(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

(Picard) "Identify."

(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"

(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."

(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal."

(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

Announcing Microsoft Panhandling
REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu, "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's.

The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."

Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.

Putting the Zen into Engaged Citizen.
YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN (from chain-Email - of course)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of  me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me,either. 
Leave me the  hell alone.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as  a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their  shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Oh, and one more thing - what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

ITW(Joel J)
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
- Mark Twain
 

zen
Zen meditation is hard work - you struggle for enlightenment, and when you succeed - what do you have...bupkis!
Transfer to NOLA
Jack was sitting on the plane getting ready to depart for New Orleans when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. He buckled his seat belt then covered his face with his hands.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there.  They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate." I have to go find a place to live this trip then go get my family. No matter how much more money I'm going to get paid, I just don't know if I can make this move.

Jack replied, "Hey. I've lived in New Orleans all my life.  It's not as bad as the media says.  Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.  It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.  I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.  What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack.  "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

My first laugh of the day!
Thanks, I needed that. 
[ Parent ]
TAILGUNNER ON A BUD TRUCK?????
OMG, "'Lizabeth, this is the BIG one. I'm a comin'! Any time now!
[ Parent ]
I know, I know...
I'm a sick puppy!!
[ Parent ]
Best chicken joke ever...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

***If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.***

And this is the second laugh! n/t

[ Parent ]
Egg is obvius
Poor eggs:
  Only get laid once
  Takes 3 min to get hard once they are put in warm water
  When beaten they turn to puddin
  All the hen wants to do is sit on it - nothing else
  The fate is to end up in a white carton with other poor guys in the same fate.

[ Parent ]
Southern Huntin' Ethics
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Louisiana on the opening day of deer season. They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them.

As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years."

Courtroom exchanges
These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of having to stay calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myas-thenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to  you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient

was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

LMAO n/t


There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it." -Mary Wilson Little
[ Parent ]
Trucks
TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN:

#10 They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

#7 It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this:
The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

#3 Top speed is only about 45 mph.

#2 Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.

#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

[ Parent ]
Would that truck be...
...in Virginnie, or West Virginnie?
[ Parent ]
P R E R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E M E N T

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.

Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty 30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four(24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the phrases couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and ? using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same ...."

The Great Texas Chili Cook-off
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lbs. is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Woman Words
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Why men are happier people
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can NOT wear a T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux! rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood - all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes
[ Parent ]
Men know cool things about Tanks.
  Doing stupid fun things is only considered "stupid" if it goes wrong and not abnormal for even trying.

  Dirty room does not dessimate self esteme

  Dr exam once a year - highly optional. No fingers involved till much later in life.

  Wallet carries more than you need for a month.

  Boy, man, husband, dad all blend and overlap v.s. distinct seperate girl, woman, girl friend, fiance', wife, mother.

  Cloths have tags displaying waist and inseam and they fit.

  Support, emporwerment and self esteme built in at birth.

[ Parent ]
Welcome to Canada C eh N eh D eh (CANADA)
Now that Vancouver has won the opportunity to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website! (Frightening, isn't it?)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one. On the other hand why not ask the first blonde Italian/Canadian woman you meet.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK)
A: Of what did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North--oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger- man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir perform every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. But remember you must come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: What for? WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere a significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Could that be on Thanksgiving Day?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent and eat the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with the essence of human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Too funny!!! n/t


United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
the female population is smaller...
THAT answer just about knocked me outta my chair, being from the San Francisco area and all... ROTFLMAO!!!
[ Parent ]
Family Life Quotes

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

No family should attempt a trip if the kids outnumber the windows.

Love is never having to say you?re sorry; marriage is never saying anything else.

Conscience helps, but fear of getting caught works too.

Advice- one thing that?s easier to give than to receive!

They call it a dream house because it costs twice as much as you dreamed it would.

?Experience? ? something we would gladly sell for less than we paid for it.

  The secret of a successful marriage is leaving about three or four things unsaid everyday.

The trouble with being a grouch is that you have to make new friends every few months.

I know hard work never hurt anyone, but I?m not taking any chances.

?I?ve never let my schooling interfere with my education.? ? Mark Twain

A college is truly a fountain of knowledge; so many go there to drink.

After working like a horse all day, is it any wonder that I just want to hit the hay in the evening?

The reason worry kills more people than work, is because more people worry than work.

Love is crazy, a girl marries a man and works for him for the rest of her life, without a salary.

Money can't buy friends, but it can give you a higher class of enemies.

The doctor said, ?I don?t know why you want a second opinion from me. Your first doctor?s guess is as good as mine.?

Man blames most accidents on fate, but takes personal responsibility for scoring a hole in one.

The best way of clearing snow from the driveway is a teen who wants to use the car.

Husband says, ?So, - Mrs. Einstein probably didn?t understand Albert either!?

  Husband says, "Let's spice things up but trying different positions tonight."
Wife says, "Great idea, you stand here and iron the clothes, and I'll sit on the sofa and pass gas."

 

The Preacher's Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

A dangerous virus going around right now!!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

LOL!!! BB, that wa too funny. Thanks I
really need a good chuckle. Glad you dusted this diary off. Think we need it about now. ;-)

United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
Dumb Laws still on the books!!
In California, no vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

In Florida, if an elephant, goat or alligator is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

In Montana, it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

In Oregon, a door on a car may not be left open longer than necessary.

In Tennessee, it is illegal shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

Good luck finding a whale in Tennessee!


About those laws -
Years ago, back  in the early 70s, I worked for a publishing company in Charlottesville, VA, as a copy-editor.  The interesting thing was that the things we were editing were state law books, editing out laws just like the ones you list - trying to remove the outdated and the outrageous -

Looks like we missed a few.  :)  (I only worked there about six months, until I figured out they were paying guy law students almost twice what they were paying me to do the same work.)

[ Parent ]
OMG!
They need to get rid of that one!  We do have an aquarium!!!  Tennessee recently considered removing an old law from the TCA that forbade giving away ice cream.  Lots of ice cream shops had a free scoop day, jokingly defying the law.  What nobody realized at the time was that the law had served a purpose in its day.  Attached to said law were a lot of anti-monopoly codes.  Had they taken it off the books, the anti-monopoly codes would have gone with it.  I guess we have just decided to treat it the way we treat all stupid laws in Tennessee.  We just ignore them.

Millions for defense, but not one cent for tribute!
[ Parent ]
that's interesting
the bit about codes attached to different laws.  And an important lesson in reading legislation.  



All 'safety concerns' are hypothetical.  If not, they'd be called side effects...
[ Parent ]
Unfortunately, it happens more often than not!
"Hey there, state representative ol' buddy. If you let me attach this li'l new local code to your big ol' new law, I'll get the folks in my district to vote for it!"
[ Parent ]
Medical humor
Q. What do you call twin physicians?

A. A paradox.

Q. What medicine do snakes not like?

A. Anti-hiss-tamine

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