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Friday Flu Wiki Humor -- Diary 2

by: Bronco Bill

Thu Aug 05, 2010 at 10:07:35 AM EDT


If you need a break, if you're tired of all the bad news, if you just want something different than swine flu, bird flu, dog flu, seagull flu, possum flu, one flu over the cuckoo flu...

Post your (family friendly) jokes here...

The original diary can be found here
Bronco Bill :: Friday Flu Wiki Humor -- Diary 2
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Friday Flu Wiki Humor -- Diary 2 | 198 comments
Ooooooohh Carrrrrollllllll!!!!
Here we are. We moved. We're here now. Just in case you might be looking for us, we're over here. We moved. There may be a possibility that you couldn't find us, so here we are...  :-)
Yes, but...
the "family friendly" restriction pretty much cancels out Carol's best material (unless the standard of measure is my family!).
[ Parent ]
Different families...
Have different 'humor' needs! ;-)
[ Parent ]
BB and AlohaOR
You two are a riot and I am sitting here LMAO!! I think I am kin to both of you!!!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
OMG!!! n/a

[ Parent ]
Yep! "Cousin Bill"......ROTF


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill: Here are some giggles
to get your weekend started.

Q:  Where can men over the age of 65 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:  Try a bookstore, under fiction.  

Q:  What can a man do while his wife is going through  menopause?  
A:  Keep busy.  If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:  How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly  wrinkles?
A:  Take off your glasses.    

Q:  Is it common for 65-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:  Storing memory is not a problem.  Retrieving it is the problem.  

Q:  What is the most common remark made by 65-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:  "Gosh, I remember these!"

Q:  Seriously!  What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:  Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out.

Q:  Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be  found?
A:  Yes.  Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass  
all the way to Egypt."

Q:  How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A:  Tell him you're pregnant.    

***********************************************

Check Please!

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

***********************************************

This last one is from History Lover so you can blame HER for the "BAD WORD" in the joke!

A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.  Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your
hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and
threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a SEAL Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the SEAL Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief.

"And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The SEAL Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f---ing ear."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Have a great weekend BB!
Nine Out of Ten

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

*****************************************

40 yrs of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.  

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. '

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.  

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. '  

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! . . . the husband became 92 years old .

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female . . . . .

************************************

Mission to Mars

NASA interviewed potential astronauts for a trip to Mars. Only one person could go and, since there couldn't be enough fuel for a return trip, it would be one-way only.

The first applicant was an engineer. "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?" the interviewer asked.

The engineer immediately answered, "One million dollars. And I'll donate it all to my alma mater: Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor. Once again, "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?"

The doctor answered, "Two million dollars; a million for my family and the other million for medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. And finally, "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?"

He immediately whispered, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer curiously inquired.

The lawyer eagerly replied, "I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send that engineer!"

*******************************************

What a Load!

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Hey Bronco Bill! It's your favorite day of the week. LOL
Senior Road Trip

While on a road trip, an  elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.   After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and  resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left  her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had  been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the  aggravation, they had  to travel quite a distance before they could  find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to  retrieve her glasses.

All  the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man.   He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly  during the entire return drive.  

The more he chided her, the more  agitated he became.  He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.  

To her relief, they finally arrived at the  restaurant.  As  the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her  glasses, the old  geezer  yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might  as well get my hat and  the credit card."

This coming week we will celebrate "be kind to seniors day." You can do your  part by remembering to contact  at least one unstable senior to show  you care.

My job is  done....

*******************************************

Irate Driver

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

**************************************

New Best Friend

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"

And a little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

***********************************************

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

OMG Carol!!!
I'm still laughing at that first one....

Now...where did I put my keys?

[ Parent ]
LOL, that's why I like pockets! n/t


"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Happy Friday, Bronco Bill .....
BB: This is to you from History Lover:

An Interesting Fact About August 2010

This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

Darn.....I probably will miss it next time!!

********************************************

A Rich Man's Will

A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family.

"To my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1million."

The lawyer concluded, "And to my cousin, Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you are wrong. Hi, Dan!"

*********************************************

Never Lose Your Grandson!

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall...

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big ....

********************************************

The Goodness of Chocolate

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago.

I owe my life to chocolate!

********************************************

The Snotty Receptionist
(we've all encountered at least one)

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT  IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man..

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

 

Uhhhhh....posted by me
"ding-a-ling-Carol"  LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Carol, great musical theme! n/t


"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
I'm hearing bells...
....maybe it's the tarred n' feather 'feather boa' banging against the tin-foil hat!! ROTFLMAO!!

I LOVE the kid with the grandpa, and I'll have to remember the snotty receptionist come-back next time I visit with my doc!!!  Thanks Carol....er, NewsDiary. Er, maybe NewsCarol. Or CarolDiary...or, or, or...

[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill: The theme for today is hurricane jokes. LOL
For those living in states located near the ocean, it is important to be familiar with and adhere to the basic three strep hurricane preparedness plan.

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay home. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, anywhere on the east coast or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it states any zip code within a 100 miles of a beach, you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living near the beach!

*********************************************

Q. Why are hurricanes named after women?
A. Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they
leave they take your house and your car.

Q. Why are hurricanes named after men?
A. Because they're noisy, make a huge mess, and if you
look into their eyes there's nothing there.

Note: They are however called HURricanes and not HISricanes...

BB, note from me for clarification: "Hisricanes" are not to be confused with "hissy fits." "Hissy fits" are what us southern women "pitch" when we don't get our way. ROTF

*********************************************

What do they call the most severe hurricane?

a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

********************************************

Stay safe and hold on tight to my pink feather boa! You may want to tie one end around your waist and the other end around a BIG tree!!! LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

@ Carol...
Ha!!
...the other end around a BIG tree

Fantastic!! Horizontal bungee jumping!! Love it!!  These are great Carol. Thanks!

[ Parent ]
And Carol@SC...here's an oldy but moldy just for you!! LOL!!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".

"No," she replies.........
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-
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-Wait for it
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-It's coming
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-The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
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"You just happened to catch my eye."

ROTF
I had heard it years ago but since I had forgotten the punch line, it was like new to me. Got a good laugh. Thanks, BB!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill, have a great weekend!
BB: History Lover sent this joke to me.

CATHOLIC  HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies andall but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.  Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

****************************************************

Bronco Bill: Today I am going to give you a.......

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information with your shareholders in time, pertaining to credit and risk, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of this story:
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of doo doo is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Love 'em
Love 'em all, Carol ! ! !

Thanks for the belly laughs.   And I'm still looking for that pic of me in the silver spandex...  :-/

Bronco Bill, have a great weekend!
Here are your jokes. Unfortunately, nothing could compare to the picture you posted of "you" in the silver spandex! ROTF BTW, can I borrow that hat to wear whenever I go shopping?

CHURCH  HYMNS

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.  From the pulpit he said, "Today I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you
to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."  

The pastor shouted out, "CROSS."  Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out, "GRACE."  The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said, "SEX."  The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at one-another, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

**********************************************
THEY WALK AMONG US!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'  For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

+++++++++++
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '

+++++++++++
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....... '

+++++++++++
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

+++++++++++
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....

+++++++++++
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the car trunk.

++++++++++
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....(I work with professionals like this.)

+++++++++++
And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks  

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a politician happened to appear. He took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' he asked.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

The politician thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'  

They Walk Among Us!



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Bronco Bill, have a great weekend!
Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and  hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

'SHIT'!  THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

****************************************************

Repent O Scottish Sinner

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.  So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,   So he got down on his knees and cried:  "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..  (you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

**********************************************
(This was sent to my by bgw in MT)

How to start a fight

>When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that  I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall  grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I  watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was  gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a  toothbrush. I said, " When you finish cutting the grass, you might as  well sweep the driveway."

    And then the fight  started...

After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would  have to go homeand come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She  said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I  excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security  office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have  gotten disability, too.'

     And then the fight  started...

Really, really sorry!!
I was doing double duty and I posted this without switching identities..... "NewsDiary" had nothing to do with it! "NewsDiary" is totally innocent! "Carol@SC" is the bad, bad woman with the (slightly) dirty jokes and bad words. "Carol@SC" is way more fun than "NewsDiary"....

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Uhm...uh huh...
Okay. Whatever NewsDiary says....   ;-)
[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend BB and stop being so quiet!
The Test

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

*********************************************

The Juror

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it!

**********************************************

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

Plagiarism saves time.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

********************************************

At The Confessional  

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."

The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."

"No."

"Was it Rosie Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"

"No."

"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

***********************************************

Making A Good Impression  

A young executive was leaving the office of a major corporation late one evening when he found the CEO himself standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

Eager to make a good impression, the young exec introduced himself and asked if he could be of any help.

"Why yes," said the CEO, holding up the piece of paper. "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive, happy for a chance to help the boss. The young man turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll need two copies."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

LOL!! Thanks Carol...
After the week I've had, I needed the laughs. And yeah...I've tried to make that same copier work!!!
[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill, have a great weekend!
There were three construction workers that always got the same thing for lunch. All of them were tired of eating the same thing over and over again.

1st worker : I hate sandwiches, if I get sandwiches for lunch again tomorrow I'm jumping off that bridge.

2nd worker : Oh my Gosh! If I see another taco I'm going to jump off that bridge tomorrow.

3rd worker : Beans Again?!! I will jump off that bridge tomorrow if I get beans for lunch again.

The next day they all got the same thing for lunch so each jumped off the bridge and died.

Their wives were inconsolable.

1st Wife : If I knew he would do that, I would have never packed him sandwiches!

2nd wife : If I knew he would do that, I would have never packed him tacos!

3rd wife : If I knew he would do that, I never would have let him pack his own lunch!

*************************************

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

****************************************

DEER CAMP

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

Well, I've been here since this morning. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair, and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am......

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFL!
Especially the third one!  And those psychiatrists, uh-oh, trouble coming!  
:-D

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
ROTFLMAO!!!
Carol --- Number 3 is the best!!! OMG...my sides are splitting....just wait 'til he gets home!!

Thanks Carol...you have a great weekend too ;-)  And hide the handcuffs!

[ Parent ]
Okay.....how did you know I have handcuffs?!! ROTF


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill, have a great weekend and don't forget to get a second opinion next time! ROTFLMAO
Where is God!?

Two little boys, ages eight and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent the eight-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son"?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed and his mouth hanging open. So, the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God"?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened"?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time. "God is missing and they think we did it!"

********************************************

Speedlimit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

***********************************************

Headaches

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $300

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion -PRICELESS

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Great Carol....
That explains my headaches!! ROTF!  

Thanks for the chuckles  ;-)

[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend, Bronco Bill!
(Note: Warning for those with sensitive eyes....there are a couple of "bad words" are in these today.)

Even hunters have big hearts

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 7 early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs.

The buck was magnificent, a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck. As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned,

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."

********************************************

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well, you started it.'

*****************************************

(bgw in MT sent this one to me)

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.. on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

********************************************

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other, and relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme, and I don't give a shit!
 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Hey Carol...it's Friday Funny time
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti..  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

=====================
You know you're in California when . . .

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible....

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house....

3.. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English!

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower....

5. You can't remember .... is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor....

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian....

8. You can't remember .... is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears....

Bronco Bill, I enjoyed your jokes above. Thanks for the giggles.
Now I will try to make you giggle. Have a great weekend!

Heaven or Hell?

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the beta version," replied St. Peter.

******************************************

bgw in MT sent this one to me

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

************************************

History Lover sent this one to me

The deer camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with  Bob , because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with  Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that  Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was  Fred 's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.  The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked  Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.   Bob sat up and watched me all night."

*******************************************************8

Cletus and Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.    

Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.  With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.    

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob.  Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."  

(Get it, BB? Get it? "to attract her" ROTF)

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, Hope you have a great weekend!
(History Lover sent this first joke to me. It's an oldie but a goodie.)

AN  ATHEIST  IN  THE  WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' 'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear  was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw  & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!' Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you  to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord,  Amen.'

*********************************************

These are reportedly actual questions asked in court

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

*********************************************

On his first day working at the gas station, a worker watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" the worker joked.

"It would go out," he replied in a very factual manner.

"Really?" he asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."

*********************************************

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says.....................

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

*********************************************
And finally BB,

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter.
It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS.

Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

Are you O.K.?

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFL! Thanks, Carol!
I found this parody yesterday
Star Trek Meets Monty Python:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
LOL Thanks Jane


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill, have a great weekend!
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

**********************************************

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.

"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...

...and then I paint the target around it."

************************************************

Computer Viruses

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

************************************************

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Uh oh, Carol, you may have offended a lot of people.
No one, I mean no one, messes with the King.  Elvis, that is!  

"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
LOL
Remember now, I didn't write that joke. Everytime I see him, he is still about 25 y/o, slim, and dripping with sexiness!! Long live the King!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Just so Bronco Bill understands . . .
we're talking about Elvis - not him!

"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
BB, will never believe it.....
You do remember the picture of him in the silver spandex suit, don't you?

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Thank you
Thank you very much!!
[ Parent ]
Flu spikes in parts of Va.; vaccine covers 3 strands
The Virginia Department of Health is encouraging residents to get vaccinated because of a spike in statewide flu activity. For the first time during the 2010-11 flu season, the department is reporting regional activity levels of influenza-like illness throughout Virginia. The Thomas Jefferson Health District - which encompasses Charlottesville and the counties of Albemarle, Fluvanna, Greene, Louisa and Nelson - has not yet seen a rise in flu activity but other districts in Virginia have.
(Snip)
Health officials said that so far the majority of samples tested at the state public health lab and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have tested positive for the influenza B virus. http://www2.dailyprogress.com/...

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

History Lover:
You got me so excited by talking about the "King" that I posted this here instead of where it belongs. ROTF

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
BB, Happy New Year!..... try to stay out of jail tonight! ROTF
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.

Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

************************************************

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You chew other people's fingernails.

You can type sixty words per minute...with your feet.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug..

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You ski uphill.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

************************************************

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

***********************************************

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time."

*********************************************

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

LOL! One to add to your air stories.
I was flying from Bern in Switzerland to Gatwick UK and the pilot appologised to the plane saying we'd have an unscheduled stop in Geneva. He explained that it was so hot the plane might explode should he attempt to take on fuel at the little airport. Gulp! While we waited in our seats at Geneva, I saw the pilot hand over a credit card and sign for the fuel. LOL, the price we pay for cheap flights ;-)
[ Parent ]
LOL Now that's funny!
UK - Bird, just be glad he didn't have to take up a collection from the passengers to pay the bill!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
I loved the airline jokes.
Several years ago I was on a flight that had a really bumpy landing.  The stewardess got on the intercom and told everyone, "ladies and gentlemen, we have just hit Kansas City."

"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
LOL Good one!


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Have a nice weekend, Bronco Bill.
The Perks of Being Over 40...
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember where you read this list.

*******************************************

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

*******************************************

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

********************************************

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and t hen I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

********************************************

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFL! Love that list, Carol! n/t


"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
I love number 2.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

That's why I tell you everything, Carol!



"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson

[ Parent ]
What? What? What did you tell me and when was it?
Next time I will write it down!!!

And for the record, History Lover, you and I have had conversations where #5 fit both of us perfectly! ROTF

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Carol, even if you wrote down our conversations
you would forget where you put the information.  And I would have forgotten what I said.  That's what is known as "Total Un-Recall."

"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
LOL


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
An Irish comedian once said
You're not really forgetful until you go upstairs for something and get half way up before you realise you can't remember what you're going for. You then stop and try to work out what it was and finally realise that you can't even rember if you were upstairs coming down or downstairs climbing up.
[ Parent ]
Good one, UK - Bird
I think I am getting close to experiencing that. What gave me a clue is the fact that half the time I can't remember which one of my "fluwiki identities" I am. LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
No, that's just you getting dizzy in the revolving door as you're changing into the super suit.
[ Parent ]
After providing an excuse that good for me...
your check and many presents are in the mail! LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
You're excuse is even better because all he did was strip off
Super Carol has to put lippy, eye liner, wind proof hair spray and Jimmy Choos. And how many time have you got to go round if you get a ladder in the tights that you put on UNDER the suit? It's not like you can use velcro down there ;-)
[ Parent ]
Get a ladder in the tights?!?
OMG!! I don't know what that is, but it CAN'T be good!!!
[ Parent ]
Not as painful as it sounds. LOL
A ladder is a run in a stocking.  :-D

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Thanks for the clarification, Jane ;-)
I was quite concerned ...  LOL
[ Parent ]
OMG!! That is TOO funny!!
And Carol? For some reason, I thought you were blonde. The video shows otherwise...  :-)
[ Parent ]
It sure is funny...
I watched it 3 times and cracked up everytime. BB, my brain is blond, I just cover it up with brown hair. LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
That's so true. Now what were we talking about? n/t


"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
I don't know but I live in a bungalow
and had to put a second floor in so I would have and excuse to forget things upstairs.
[ Parent ]
Have a good weekend, BB!
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and, presto, he solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric

*******************************************

A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign.

The driver immediately protests "Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what's the difference?"

The cop politely says, "Step out of the car please", and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick.

While swinging away, the cop asks "Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?!"

*********************************************

Once upon a time, a genie appeared to a man, and offered him one wish.

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to go to Fiji, but plane tickets are so expensive, and boats are so slow. Can you build a bridge from Los Angeles to Fiji?"

"I'm sorry," the genie said. "You're pretty much asking for the impossible. That's six thousand miles of bridge. Plus, you'll need fuel stations and motels on the way. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to ask for something else."

"Oh," said the disappointed man. "Well, can you grant me the ability to understand women?"

The genie cleared his throat. "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

**********************************************

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

********************************************

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.

The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"

The second man says "OK, sure." and the barman holds the bet.

The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.

Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again."

So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in.

Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "OK, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."

The first man says" OK, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man "Gee, Superman, you can sure be mean when you're drunk."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Yup, it can be painful to iron clothes on the body,
even if you're just touching up the front corner of a collar.  Don't ask me how I know.  

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill, have a great weekend!
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

*********************************************

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde."

"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."

His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."

The man rethought his priorities.

********************************************

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

*********************************************

THE GOOD NAPKINS ...  

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the  cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the  cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins'  in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the  kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she  told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second  mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It's Christmas Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had  assignments for all  of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the  table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and  immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, Then began  giggling. Next came my father, who
roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a  'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged  on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!  

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other  adults into further fits of laughter.

'But, Mom,  you said they were for special occasions!!!'

Life is too short for drama & petty things... So  kiss slowly, laugh insanely,love truly and forgive quickly ...and for heavens sake, use the good napkins whenever you can.

*****************************************

House Rules for Dogs and Cats.
Post them where they can be read by your pets.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win, because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle, I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

OMG! Thanks Carol
Love the talking clock...I should install one!  LOL!!
[ Parent ]
My Australian Heeler and 3 cats read this and said
HAH!  As if!

"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend and stop jumping off your roof!
(See News Diary for detailed explanation of why Bronco Bill keeps jumping off his roof! ROTF)

*******************************************

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

****************************************

TEXTING FOR SENIORS
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

*******************************************

Professional Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Hope you have a great weekend, Bronco Bill!
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not seen together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

*******************************************

Tech Support

Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.
-----------------------------

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out !!!

Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.

Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk . . . sorry. Thank you.
----------------------------

Customer: I have problems printing in red.

Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.
----------------------------

Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
---------------------------

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.

Customer: Okay.

Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
-----------------------------

Customer: I can't get on the internet.

Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.

Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.
---------------------------

Tech Support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

*************************************

Points to Ponder

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. Your real friends still love you anyway.

*****************************************

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

*****************************************

Wisdom from a Dying Nun

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Bushmills received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount of the whiskey into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a Little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest,

"Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,"Don't sell that cow."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

These are great...
And I think I've heard every one of those computer calls!!

Laughing Out Loud...thanks Carol!!!

BB goes looking for that Bushmill's cow...

[ Parent ]
BB, when you find that cow...
save some milk for me! LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Gotta love tech support stories :-)
Some personally experienced mad moments.

Call from a woman who had been using the same system for almost a year.
Mary "I can't login"
Me "is the word LOGIN followed by >> on the screen?"
Mary "yes"
Me "have you typed LOGIN MARY after it?"
Mary "yes"
Me "just to check, you typed L, O, G, I, N, M, A, R, Y?"
Mary "yes"
Me "try it again please. Type L"
Mary "I don't have to put in the L"
Me "why?"
Mary "because it's already there on the screen... hello? Are you still there?"
In the end, even the guy who delivered stationery knew how to log her in.

Called to a dead PC. On a wild hunch I pulled out the plug to discover the fuse missing. The woman who worked at the computer looked acutely embarrassed and apologised for not guessing what was wrong. I reassured her that it was very odd and I'd only checked the plug on a whim. 'Not at all' she replied, 'fuses are always going missing round here but at least the desk fan is working today.'

Investigating an accident where a man stood on a piece of wood with nails in it we were wondering where the wood had fallen from. The man helpfully told us that he'd dropped the wood on his first trip past that same spot.

Called to the gatehouse to fix the site entry system I noticed that the power light to the turn styles was off. On entering the control room I noticed that several unconnected pieces of equipment were dead. They told me the entry system computer wasn't working. I asked them pointedly if there was any other faulty item in the room and they pointed out the dead items that I'd already spotted. I asked if that wasn't a good hint that they needed an electrician not the IT manager. 'That's funny,' said one of the gatemen 'there was an electrician pulling fuses in here earlier.'

I was asked by my manager to write a program to produce a list of late employees. I agreed if he could define 'late'. 'Well that's easy. Late is late.' I pointed out that the site had two groups of day staff working different hours, with management having quite flexible hours. One group of employees worked a four shift pattern and another worked five shifts. One of each of those shifts went over midnight and a day change. Shift people don't work Monday to Friday so I needed to know what days each man was supposed to work. That didn't take into account the times they swapped shifts, did over time, came in early so they could leave late, worked off site, had medical appointments, training sessions, forgot to swipe in or swipe out or accidentally double swiped. He never did manage to define 'late'.

[ Parent ]
ROTF! Thanks, UK - Bird!


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Flu Research Can Be A *~%*#!
http://blogs.chron.com/medblog...

"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
Too funny! (n/t)

[ Parent ]
LOL Good one, History Lover!


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend, BB.
Ron and Kim were doing some shopping. Having purchased everything they needed, they returned to the parking lot to drive home.

"Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!"

They notified the police from a phone booth inside the mall and made a report at the Police station. A young detective drove them back to see if any evidence remained from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital.

The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"

******************************************

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're just wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really all that necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5 ... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you exactly how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions usually make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't ever want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my cell phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet that on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.

18. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand much of they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front of merging lanes-- Stay strong, brothers and sisters!! Yes, and I know Texans do that at every on-ramp, but, really there IS a limit, isn't there? No? ... all right, then.

********************************************

A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "How will I recognize it?" asked the man.
"It's the one with all the broken windows." Came the reply.

******************************************

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and the best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldn't think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener...


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Aieee! Such a good daydream,
then POOF! it's gone.   LOL!

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
bgw in MT sent this to me:

STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY   (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.  Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON   (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.  How will my wife fit in it?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy  looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'  Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'  He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

History Lover sent these two to me:

ONLY A  MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea  ~
One day  my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of  me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had  given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my  favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room  engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup  of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and  lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the  cutest thing!'  

Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother  would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet!
---------------

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE

GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.  

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM TEXAS    AND THEY SAY,

'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'  

********************************************
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?"

"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie.

"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his way past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.

"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.

"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About three years" replied the cabbie.

"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.

"Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

****************************************

Fitness Tips

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where she is.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass

************************************************

Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off, slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down, so he doesn't dirty the seat.

4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say "oops".

5. Get in the car; look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"

6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

7. Fill your car with beer bottles.

8. The whole time you're driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

9. Tell the Registrar that you'd like to take the remedial test.

10. In the middle of the test, put your arm around the examiner.

11. Swear at everybody on the road.

12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

13. Honk your horn at everything.

14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up

************************************
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2008 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 2008 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"  

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Bronco Bill, have a great weekend.
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

***************************************

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do not imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are...

Compared with Gasoline...

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29...$10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19...$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59...$10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25...$10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15...$33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35...$178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85...$123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39...$25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99...$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49...$21.19 per gallon!

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...

(you won't believe it....but it is true........)

$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

***************************************

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

***************************************

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

*****************************************

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

*****************************************

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

*********************************************

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

****************************************

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend and try to stay out of trouble!
I was trying to restart an intravenous line in a male patient while his wife sat next to the hospital bed, watching my every move. I had made several attempts to insert a 22-gauge catheter and had used up all I had in my IV tray.

Another nurse passed by the doorway and I yelled, "Lisa, can you bring me a 22?"

The patient's wife's eyes opened wide and she said, "You've done it now Bobby. She's going to shoot you!"

***********************************

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

***********************************

And now, the 1997 Darwin Award winner:

Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair.

He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Tell your children over dinner . . .
"Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

It just may come to that.


"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson

LOL Have you already picked one out
to get the bad news or will they be drawing straws?

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
It all depends on who is willing to put up with me . . .
in my old age.  Ooops, it's already here.  Never mind.

"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
I love the Darwin award story!
Believe it or not, it's based on a true story: http://www.snopes.com/travel/a...

Larry inspired another balloonist to do the same thing!

[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
History Lover sent this joke to me.

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

*****************************************

This one is also from History Lover. Evidently she has the giggles today! LOL

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

What do you think you're doing? asks the wife.

They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing? asks the husband.

Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.

He never knew what hit him.

***************************************

I live in South Carolina and we have no problem laughing at ourselves and our red neck friends.

South Carolina Declares War on the USA. ONLY in SC !!!!!!!

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Charleston, and I am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army by another million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"  

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Southern CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN! If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on. GOD BLESS THE SOUTH!

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in  Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the  University  of  Georgia and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFL!!
Good to have a reason to LOL after this awful week - thanks!

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Ahh, if only we could have those magic silver walls!
ROTFLMAO!

You weren't in the UK recently were you Carol? There was a local news item about some royal wedding shoes (red, white and blue) and they were interviewing members of the public to see if they would wear them. Finally they asked a woman wearing a pink boa and what looked like a pith helmet what she thought and she recoiled in horror at the shoes. I laughed my socks off. If a woman in a pink boa and a pith helmet think your shoes lack style, it's time to ditch them. Though they might go well with BBs silver Spandex. Please, don't post that picture again, I've had to have counselling for PTSD.

[ Parent ]
UK - Bird
So some woman in the UK is trying to copy my stylish outfit, huh? I'm sure she wasn't as sexy in that pink boa as I am! If I had been in the UK, you and I would have been at the local pub being very, very bad and WE probably would have been in the news......mostly likely on the front page of the London Times !! ROTF

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Oooh a pub crawl in a feather boa,
I've been there! But I must stay sober. Oddly I get less naughty the more drunk I get. On my 21st birthday I went round the pubs of Bradford in deepest, darkest winter and I found myself staggering after my friends through the snow. Going down some steep, badly lit, stairs, I couldn't see my footing. One guy had a camera and took a photograph. As the flash went off I could see the steps. I was about to call out "keep on flashing and then we can all see" but thought it might sound rude. I spent the rest of the evening giggling to myself about it. If I'd been sober I'd have shouted it out and given everyone a naughty laugh.
[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend BB!
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my condition...... this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

****************************************

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in marketing, not management."

*****************************************

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

******************************************

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my Volvo 1800, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter

*******************************************

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the %#&* cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little &%$#*'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

*****************************************

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, and he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Hava a Happy Weekend Carol!!
God was missing for six days. Eventually Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"  God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."  Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."  "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extrememly sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration then asked, "But what about Balance, God? You said there would be Balance..."

God smiled. "Right next to Virginia is Washington, DC. Wait 'til you see the idiots I put there."


ROTF
BB, that's a good one!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend, BB!
History Lover sent this one to me.

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name. Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'  

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

-----------------------------------

My young daughter was very excited about accompanying me to "Bring Your Children To Work Day."

However, on the way home she seemed somewhat down. "Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"It was okay, but I thought it would be more like a circus."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see any of them."

-------------------------------------

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.

The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

--------------------------------------------

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 old fart is reading this.

You hang in there, Sunshine

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Thanks Carol!!
These are great!!!
[ Parent ]
BB, I hope you have a great weekend!
bgw in MT sent this to me

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so
when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's
a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

If you don't forward  this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and
your butt will fall off.
Really.... It's true

***************************************

A firefighter was working on the engine
outside the  Station, when he noticed a little
girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the  middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.

'Little  partner,' the firefighter said,
'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,  
but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The  little girl replied thoughtfully,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'  

***************************************

WARNING: This one is a little naughty!

cottontop sent this one to me so blame her! LOL

Too old to squat

An elderly man really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his
body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with
the exception of his penis.

So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely and
buried himself in the sand, except for his penis,
which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling
along the beach, one using a cane
to help her get along.

Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand,
the lady with the cane began to move the penis
around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said:
"There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked:
"What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied:
"Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40, I asked for it."

"When I was 50, I paid for it."

"When I was 60, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70, I forgot about it."

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild
and I'm too old to squat."  

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

AlohaOR
"fess up" now, you giggled at that last one, didn't you? ROTF

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Thanks Carol
I love the little girl and the "fire truck".  :-D
[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
Grocery Shopping

A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.

In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

***********************************

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

******************************************

The husband showed his wife an article about a study which concluded that men use about 10,000 words per day while women use 20,000 words per day.

"See?" He said. "Women talk twice as much as men."

"No. Women use twice as many words as men because we have to repeat everything we say."

"What?"

*************************************

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

****************************************

WARNING! This one is a little naughty.

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"    

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.    

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.  It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them  about.    

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.    

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.    

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.    

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.    

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.    

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.    

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.    

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'    

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.  

How many men do you have?'    

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'    

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFLMAO as per usual!
Some more true stories to make you smile-

When I was a child I loved the Narnia stories so much I always tested the back of any wardrobe I came across. Just in case ;-) Recently there has been an Ikea advert with comedians making jokes about who is most untidy, women or men. One guy says "she's got so many clothes stuffed in the wardrobe, Narnia's full!" Instead of thinking of talking animals, walking trees and magic, I though "hmmm, think what I could do with an entire mythical country for storage space." Ahhh, what it is to grow up ;-)

I have recently been in hospital and discovered a naughty but effective way of getting nurses to make sure patients drink enough water. Neighbouring wards have an (unofficial) competition that involves calculating how much wee they collect from patients. Every time a catheta bag or bedpan is emptied they make two notes, one for the patient records, to ensure they're functioning properly, and one for the competition err... pool. Patients no longer have to ask for their water jug to be topped up!

[ Parent ]
Sorry for the double posting but
I keep getting error messages and being thrown off the site. I assumed the post had failed. I must swap to another browser.  
[ Parent ]
ROTFLMAO as per usual!
Some more true stories to make you smile-

When I was a child I loved the Narnia stories so much I always tested the back of any wardrobe I came across. Just in case ;-) Recently there has been an Ikea advert with comedians making jokes about who is most untidy, women or men. One guy says "she's got so many clothes stuffed in the wardrobe, Narnia's full!" Instead of thinking of talking animals, walking trees and magic, I though "hmmm, think what I could do with an entire mythical country for storage space." Ahhh, what it is to grow up ;-)

I have recently been in hospital and discovered a naughty but effective way of getting nurses to make sure patients drink enough water. Neighbouring wards have an (unofficial) competition that involves calculating how much wee they collect from patients. Every time a catheta bag or bedpan is emptied they make two notes, one for the patient records, to ensure they're functioning properly, and one for the competition err... pool. Patients no longer have to ask for their water jug to be topped up!

[ Parent ]
Hi UK - Bird
LOL I have never heard of a "pee pool". I hope you were visiting or on business at the hospital and not there because you were ill. Did you join in the festivities of the big wedding yesterday? On TV it looked like you Brits were having a great time. It was a beautiful event. You know, you could have invited me for tea yesterday so that I could "party" too. LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Sadly I've been an inmate…
umm I mean a patient of the NHS. After loads of tests they finally decided to pop the hood and take a look. They took one glance, decided it was a mess but not fatal and slammed me shut. So theoretically I'll still be around for any deadly pandemic for years to come. It's being so positive that keeps me going :-)

The wedding was sweet, much better than I expected and us Brits would favour the monarchy jumping Charlie straight to William. I would have invited you for tea but (looks nervously around) I hate tea. I know, I know, not very patriotic.

[ Parent ]
Sorry to hear you have been ill.
I hope you are feeling better now. I'm all for the crown going straight to William too. I think he has a lot of his mother in him, which IMO, is a good thing. A Brit who doesn't like tea? I thought that was a crime punishable by a public hanging! I'm filing that little tidbit of information in my "blackmail notebook". LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
But I could be anyone under this Bird mask. I could be a chicken
bent on world destruction by spreading H5N1. Evil laugh.

I'm not afraid of the tea thing coming out, we no longer have the death penalty, not even for treason. Ya boo sucks Prince Charlie, can't get me. The worst that could happen is they'll put me under house arrest and at the moment I'm not sure you could spot the difference from my normal daily routine. I'd be the first detainee advised to get out more.

[ Parent ]
"I'd be the first detainee advised to get out more."
ROTF  

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend, BB! BTW, if you are having a cookout, I'm available for lunch or dinner! LOL
First Kiss

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"

"Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh, please, please. I like you so much!"

"No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh, yes you can. Please!"

"No, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease!"

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.

In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

**************************************

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

************************************

One day a lady was driving on the highway. She frequently checked her speedometer to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear view mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.

She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.

A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

**********************************************

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a good weekend!
Now we know why!!!

As I conditioned my hair in the shower recently, I took the time to read my shampoo bottle: Now I'm in shock!  

The shampoo I use when showering often runs down the length of my body...and the label reads: "For extra volume and body"!  

Why haven't I noticed this before? Now I know why I'm so "full-figured"!

Tomorrow I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap in the shower; it says right on the label, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

It pays to read warning labels!

*****************************************

Sound familiar?

I took my mother to the fair. She wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but that's not my speed. So she went on the ride by herself.

In the middle of her ride, the wheel malfunctioned. I watched as Mom was thrown out of the gondola and landed in a heap at my feet.

I said, "Are you hurt?"

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

*****************************************

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle with small brown balls in it. After discreetly getting some milk duds from his pocket, he then put the candy in his mouth and began making 'mmm... yum!' type sounds loud enough for the other kids to hear.

The bus bully then snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked 'What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?'

'Well, they're smart pills,' Ken replied.

'Smart pills?' the bully sneered. He opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

'Pweeuuweppblahhh!' he reacted. 'What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!!'

Ken smiled. 'See, you're getting smarter already!'

***************************************

I said to my wife, "Wouldn't it be great to move to Alaska or someplace and live in a log cabin without electricity, hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car? If we decided to do that permanently, away from civilization, what would you and the kids miss the most?"

She replied, "You."

****************************************

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him , "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

***************************************

When You've Had a Bad Day

It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.

Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry.

Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
Makes you wonder how some folks even make it out of bed in the mornings!!

Hello Operator....
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics....
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

RAC Motoring Services.....
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries....
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ....'

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

Technical Support....
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you've done, up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks, can I get my file back again?'  

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my computer screen from way over there?'
-----------------------------------------------

Pull Buddy, Pull!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing...

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
--------------------------------------------

"Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

"Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
------------------------------------------

Two young children are perched on top of a house during a flood. As they sit watching articles float by in the water, they noticed a large old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turns and comes back upstream. Then it turns around again and heads downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.

The children watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat? First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back down- stream and then it comes back again."

"Oh, it's only my Dad. This morning my Mom said, "You have to mow the lawn today come hell or high water."
---------------------------------------

(And finally.....I loved this one! LOL)

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck under the cow's tail. "That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"  

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, I hope you have a good weekend!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate now and later!
19. I Have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile a lot because I never know what is going on.

********************************************

The Circle
Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.

When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats.

When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.

He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked him.

Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

*******************************************

Ski Trip Gone Bad
A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

********************************************

Mud Bath
A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After awhile, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do"?

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me"?

"No," replied the doctor, "but it just might get you used to the dirt."

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Have a great weekend, BB!
Think About It!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor".

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

***************************************

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, He shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the Washing machine?"

"It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

"OHIO STATE."

And they say blondes are dumb.

*****************************************

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

*****************************************

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently correct the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, I hope you have a good weekend.
How to Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house"? and he said "no." Then they said that all the patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
******************************************************

Backseat Driver

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, ma'am. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard," he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake."
**********************************

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that?! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So, he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So, that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with."
*****************************************

House Call

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"

The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that?" grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

*****************************************************

Stop Yelling!

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper thin and they had no privacy. That was painfully obvious one morning when the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

****************************************************

The Pecan Tree

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk"?

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFL!! Thanks, Carol! n/t


"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill, have a great weekend!
Alligator Shoes

A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This one's barefoot too!"

****************************************

Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

**************************************

Ducks in Heaven

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks"?

"Yes," St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin' to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck"?

The one who had done it admitted, "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this"?

The woman responded, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

**************************************

Ten men and a woman were hanging onto a rope dangling from a helicopter. Suddenly the rope began to fray!

They realized that unless one person sacrificed themselves and dropped off, they all would die.

The silence was deafening.

Finally the woman gave a touching speech. "I will give up my life to save the rest of you, because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

***************************************

Two young children are perched on top of a house during a flood. As they sit watching articles float by in the water, they noticed a large old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turns and comes back upstream. Then it turns around again and heads downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.

The children watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat? First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back down- stream and then it comes back again."

"Oh, it's only my Dad. This morning my Mom said, "You have to mow the lawn today come hell or high water."

*******************************************

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says.

'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!' The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says. 'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'

**************************************

(WARNING: "Bad word" alert! LOL)

Question: What is worse than Bedbugs?

Answer: Calories!

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFL! So that's what's been going on!
They sure are quiet little buggers.  They don't even giggle.

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Ah those blonde jokes. LOL n/t


United we stand: Divided we fall
www.flunewsnetwork.com
[ Parent ]
These are some of the best! LOL!!
Love the "Control" that guy has....  
[ Parent ]
Hi Bronco Bill! Have a great weekend.
A thinker...

Two men are playing golf. They play each week, and have a wager as to who is going to win.

One week there are these two women at the hole ahead of them. They're hitting the ball all over the place. They have no idea how to play. They're just there having a good old time.

The two men want to finish their game. One of them decides to ask the women if they can play through. He goes up the hill, then comes back down. He tells his friend "I can't do it. One's my wife, the other's my mistress."

The other guy says "No problem, I understand."

So he goes up the hill. He comes back down and says, "Small world isn't it?"

**********************************

Retired

Diane, was chatting with her brother, Charles, a business executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new
leisure time, Charles remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.

"Afraid of injuries?" Diane asked.

"Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."

*************************************

The Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!

*********************************

Lost Bird

A man received a phone call one day and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The caller said the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

***********************************

Hot Shoe

One day, a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth. "It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe!"

****************************************

Fireworks

One year, Jim's family was having the "extended family Fourth of July cookout" at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks they had bought out of state, because they're illegal in their state, of course!

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying his neighbor's plans had just fallen through and could they bring them along to the picnic. They even had extra food to bring.

"Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Jim and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Jim disappears and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back.

"Just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed."

They head out to the back as Jim comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

***********************************

That Bee Stung Me!

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please, doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee!"

"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body the bee stung you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"

"Which one?" the doctor asked.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

(Note: I bet everyone of you are sitting there thinking, "I know someone like that!" Unfortunately, I know several people like that!! ROTF)



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
Top Ten Winners of International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

****************************************

(Note: History Lover sent this one to me.)

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..

1. A Bible...

2. A silver dollar...

3. A bottle of whiskey...

4. And a Playboy magazine...

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.  

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

*******************************************

(Note: cottontop sent this one to me!)

Mammograms

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.

By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough..

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM   when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
-------------

AND, just a thought for all the women out there...

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause....

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?....

And, When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

I have absolutely nothing to say...
I'm a guy..... :-)I'm speechless  LOL!!
[ Parent ]
Now I know for sure....
you are a very smart man! I know that by you admitting that "you have nothing to say". LOL

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend, BB.
Two Stupid Calls

One day, Jon came into work with bandages over both his ears. It was common for him to have nicks and scratches (as a matter of fact, it was uncommon for him not to have at least one bandage somewhere on his hands), but this was more than usual.

The boss turned to him and said, "Bad day, Jon? What happened?"

"Yes, a very bad day. I was ironing my shirt, when the phone rang. I had to iron the phone, I mean answer the iron... You know what I mean."

"Yes, certainly. I can understand doing that. But I see bandages on both of your ears."

"I had to call the hospital, didn't I?"

************************************

A Cat and Some Mice

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life, I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives. From cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy"?

The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy and those little "Meals on Wheels" you have been sending over are delicious!"

*******************************

Single, Never Married

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"

Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

**************************************

Can we Panic Now?

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard Air France flight 602 from New York to Paris. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording."

**************************************

Four Strangers

Four strangers were traveling together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady decked out in the finest furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful 19-year-old woman who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature-looking man in his mid-40s who was a highly decorated sergeant major in the army. And next to the sergeant major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel. There they sat in complete darkness and total silence until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss, a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence, the four strangers sat quietly with their thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age, there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The sergeant major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed-up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a sergeant major in the face and get away with it!"


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a good weekend.
Bubba Goes to the Doctor

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." The doctor asked, "Where"?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them"?

**********************************

A Brief History of Medicine

2000 BC: Here, eat this root

1000 AD: That root is heathen. Say this prayer.

1850 AD: That prayer is pure superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 AD: That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

2005 AD: Take this pill. It will either cure you or kill you.

***********************************

Useless Medical Advice

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

************************************

Shoplifter

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

***************************************

Talking Frog?

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess," it says.

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours."

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."

The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!"

*************************************

Escape!

Tommy and Will were playing when Will said, "Boy, my dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm really worried."

Tommy wondered, "What have you got to worry about?"

"What if they try to escape?"

*************************************

Figures..

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet for anyone to prove them wrong. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice from the lemon would win the money.

Many people tried to win the bet over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter died down, the bartender said, "Okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTF Carol!!
That last one is perfect! Sounds so much like the tax-man!!
[ Parent ]
BB, hope all is well now that the bitch Irene is gone! LOL
My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "That's what you did yesterday."

"I said, "Well, I'm not finished."

************************************

Rosanne Says...

My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.

Husbands think we should know where everything is: like the uterus is a tracking device. He asks me, "Roseanne, do we have any Cheetos left?"
Like he can't go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.

It's OK to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

************************************

It's so cold ...yeah well, how cold is it??

When my wife shoveled the sidewalk, I could see her breath all the way from the living room couch.

Cops are taking turns tasering each other.

Only guys with names like "Al" and "Ed" have time to write their names in the snow.

We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post

The local flasher was caught describing himself to women.
Your shadow freezes to the sidewalk

The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick.

I chipped a tooth on my soup.

Down at the morgue, you can't tell the workers from the clients.

We have to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.

Mice are playing hockey in the toilet.

Our aquarium doesn't need any glass. But, the fish are motionless.

If you make an ugly face - it'll stay that way. Hey, Mom was right all along.

*************************************

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

***********************************

Lipstick in school

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .......... and then there are educators.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Love the bubba joke! n/t


"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
BB, have a great weekend!
Uh, Doc?

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

***********************************
Where ya comin' from?

After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church.

He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.

The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

*********************************
It was already broken when I bought it!

A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

****************************************
Silly Puppy!

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

***************************************
Never Expected That

A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

***************************************
Malpractice?

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Writen in large black letters was the sentence. " Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

*************************************
The Army of the Lord

Jon was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed Jon by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jon replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Have a great weekend, BB!
History Lover sent this "oldie but goodie" to me.

Hold on to your seat!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.

He says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 109."
******************************************

Are you ready for some football?

Mike and Chuck are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. Mike says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

Chuck says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

Mike asks, "What's a football wedding?"

"She's waiting for him to kick off!"
*****************************************

Don't lie about your age!

Jenny was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She was down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaimed, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to Jenny, trying to calm her down, suggested, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walked away. Moments later, his attention was grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he rushed back to the table and pushed his way through the crowd.

Tammy was lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The stunned man asked, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
************************************

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
****************************************

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineer goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"
******************************************

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, I am going to a three hour lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body and family life.

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife".
****************************************

The kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put on his boots. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. By the time the second boot was on she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

Then the student announced, "These aren't my boots."

She wanted to get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" but she bit her tongue.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. That's when the kid said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now ... where are your mittens?"

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts Tuesday.



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, hope you have a great weekend!
AlohaOR sent this joke to me.

Wife's Diary Vs Husband's Diary

WIFE's DIARY:

Sunday night.
I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have coffee.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said: "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him.
He simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior;
I don't know why he didn't say: "I love u, too.
" When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY:

Today, the stupid boat wouldn't start. DAMN IT..!!
...................................

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."
......................................

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'" Craig, age 9

How to Make a Marriage Work

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

Getting Married for a Second Time

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one." Angie L., age 10

How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7
......................................

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. "There is now", read the printout.
....................................

A Pentecostal preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tom got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tom, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Tom replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tom's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tom's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tom, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tom, how is your hearing now?"

Tom answered, "I don't know... It ain't 'til next week."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
  History Lover sent this joke to me:

I have been to many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, but I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity!
*********************************************

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
**************************************
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
*****************************************

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Every time the couple tried to say something, the travel agent hushed them and said no thanks was necessary. He just wanted to do something nice for them.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?
********************************************

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!
*******************************

Cats

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
*****************************************

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines, with no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love to her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a good weekend!
Marital Bliss

As he was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife, she was examining herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked, "What would you like for your birthday?"

Still looking in the mirror she replied, "I'd like to be six again."

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to an amusement park.

What a day! He put her on every ride there was: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything.

Hours later they staggered out of the park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie (rated "G", of course), with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

Finally they wobbled home and she collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my DRESS SIZE, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
***********************************

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
***************************************

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
*****************************************

Never Question a Drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
***********************************

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every  minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times computer memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what is going on.  

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

These are all great
Thanks Carol...these should carry me through my weekend! :-)
[ Parent ]
BB, hope you have a great weekend!
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued at $2,400) and six (6) hammers at valued  $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer
*********************************

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. But, man, those roots were really deep!"

************************************

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."
*************************************

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
**********************************

A Cowboy Named Bud ........

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow!  That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required."  answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend
and if you see someone up in the sky zipping by you, it will be me in my new pink and white secret identity outfit. ROTFLMAO

**********************************************

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
***********************

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

The doctor interrupts, "Nine....eight...."
*************************

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny...

" After about an hour of trying to remember, to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.

Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
*******************************

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy catches his breath, and says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the guy who pushed me in the pool!"
*******************************

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend and try to stay out of trouble! LOL
John is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, John takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" he asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day."

So, the next morning John gets up at four in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

John is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," he says to himself.

The very next day John brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by John'ss claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.

The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." He then starts the chainsaw.

Looking around John asks, "What's that noise?
*********************************

Who Made Dinner?

I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening, I worked particularly hard on a new recipe and, once again, it didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped.

My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully after the meal.

"Mom," he said. "That dinner was so good, I thought someone else made it!"
**********************************

Appropriate Passages

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
***********************************

You Dummy!

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
*************************************

Stop Yelling!

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper thin and they had no privacy. That was painfully obvious one morning when the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
*********************************

Communication Troubles

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce and he asked her, "What are the grounds for your divorce"?

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case"?

"Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.

"I mean," he continued. "What are your relations like"?

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as, my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge"?

"No," she replied. "We have a two car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again. "Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up"?

"Yes," she responded. "About twice a week, he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce"?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband who does. He says he can't communicate with me."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, I love the last joke "Casino Safety". Have a good weekend.
Pick One

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house. They all sit down on the couch and chat for awhile.

"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

"The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."
************************************

Diaper Duty

The young couple had just brought their new baby home. The wife suggested, "Perhaps you should try your hand at changing diapers."

"I'm busy. I'll do the next one."

The next time came around. Once again, the wife suggested that the husband change the baby's diaper.

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
***************************************

What's Your Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
**************************************

Canned or Frozen?

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
****************************************

Wrong Name

"Next," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern.

"I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"
**************************************

Casino Safety

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

And from the many times, Carol...
That I've been to Reno and the Vegas, I can tell you that those 'cheap' carpets deliver one helluva shock!! LOL!! Thanks for this weeks funnies...   :-D
[ Parent ]
Follow today's google picture, it's a hoot
add the sums
match the waveforms
fire the cannon
LOL
BB, have a great weekend!
Dr. Carver

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon, he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer"?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel"?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.

He asked, "What are you doing to my wife"?

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
***********************************

Potty Trained

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen
asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.

"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
***********************************

Meet Clarence

A redneck girl was dating a fellow in Pennsylvania named Clarence.

They got into a huge fight and she told her two brothers, Billy Bob and Billy Jim, about it.

They jumped into their pickup truck and headed to Pennsylvania to settle the score with Clarence.

They reached the state line and after passing under an overpass, Billy Bob made a quick U-turn and headed back toward home.

Billy Jim asked why he had turned around.

Billy Bob replied, "I ain't messing around with that dude. Did you see that sign back there? 'Clearance 14 feet 8 inches.'"
**************************************

Fun With Monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what"?

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be"?

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
***************************************

Giving Directions

For my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home.

The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox."

As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"

The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."
***************************************

You Goober

Shortly before quitting time Carl found that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk:

"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Carl."

At 7:00 PM, Carl stopped at his desk and found this note:

"Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you Goober."
**************************************

How to give a cat a pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty."
Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Have a great weekend, BB
Employee Benefits

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The personnel manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as, five years salary for life insurance, a month's sick leave and they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking, madam, why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
*******************************

Letter of Recommendation

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day.

The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
**********************************

Annual Physical

The 82-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the guy walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor saw the guy again and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

"What I said was, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
***********************************

A Good Point

Suzanne sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hey baby, how about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," she replied, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
******************************

Go Granny, Go!

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
***********************************

Hard to Please

When I was a child, I remember my mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I couldn't please any of them.
**************************************

Who Am I?

A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
*********************************

Holiday Bowls

The holiday bowl games were in full swing and we had invited some other football fans over.

One couple brought their active two-year-old son, who began playing with a dish that was filled with antique buttons. After a few near disasters, my husband quietly removed the temptation.

The next morning, I realized the bowl was gone and went upstairs. "Don, where is the button bowl"? I asked my just-awakening husband.

"Gee, I don't know for sure," replied my spouse, who prides himself on knowing the answer to any sports trivia question.

"I think it's in Florida."
*********************************

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Carol--these are great!
And I love the last one 'bout the bat...I almost fell out of my chair!! LOL!!
[ Parent ]
That one about the bat cracked me up too! LOL


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
History Lover sent this one to me.

The Rancher

An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is
well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
**************************************

The Candle

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"

She replied, "That you did father."

The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet Father," said she.

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later he ran into Mrs. O'Donovan's husband. "Well, now, Mr. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said he.

"And tell me," He said, "have the O'Donovans had any wee ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. Three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."

"Now, isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely wife?"

"Oh," he said, "she's gone to Rome... to blow out that candle!"
************************************

Married and Pregnant

I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband.

One day, I told him, "I hope in your next life, you get to be pregnant!"

He replied, "I hope in your next life, you get to be married to someone who's pregnant!"
***********************************

Insurance Policy

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
*************************************

Tearjerker

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying, until she glanced at my grandparents.

My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.

That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Merry Christmas, Bronco Bill!
I know you have been naughty but I told Santa to stop at your house anyway. LOL

Will I Have Help?

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please. Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled as she responded, "Well, I guess so. Will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"
*******************************

What's Your Name?

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.

For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know"?
***********************************

The Hiccups

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, I don't, but my wife out in the car still does."
**********************************

Proud!

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
***************************************

The Rich Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.  It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.  This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "
*********************************

(And this one is from that bad, bad girl, cottontop)

Adults only
NUDE SANTA ----- Careful .....

Scroll down to see the nude Santa

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*

*

*

*

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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa!

Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

I cracked up over the passport joke! n/t


"I am opposed to any form of tyranny over the mind of man."  Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]
Superb as ever... but... but Santa's real! Isn't he?
True story - I get hiccups regularly and one day I was at a friend's house when I got them really bad. As was her usual trick she caught me off guard and shouted 'BOO!' behind my back. I turned to see her hurrying out of the room. A few minutes later she came back chuckling and I asked her why. She said 'you know you always tell me off when I try and scare you out of your hiccups? 'Yeah.' 'And you tell me it never works but one of these days I'm going to scare you so bad you'll wet yourself?' 'Yeah.' 'I just scared myself.'
[ Parent ]
ROTF
She tried so hard to scare you out of your hiccups that she peed on herself...... Priceless.....


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Bronco Bill, have a great New Year's weekend!
Must be true!

German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

The Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass. They soon announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Russians already had a nationwide fiber net.

American scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
*************************************

Please Laugh

An American general was speaking, via an interpreter, to a battalion of Vietnamese troops. At one point, he told a rather long and somewhat convoluted joke. When it was the interpreter's turn to interpret, he spoke for about four seconds and the audience burst into laughter, pleasing the general.

A captain, along on the trip, turned to a Vietnamese officer and asked how he managed to convey the general's joke so quickly.

The Vietnamese officer replied, "The interpreter said, 'The American general has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'"
**************************************

The Beauty Kit

On her fifteenth birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters and out came a beauty case, containing many samples of makeup.

"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was not a tackle box, but it was a beauty kit.

My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge and other cosmetics.

At this point, I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures!"
******************************

Get My Broker

In the presence of a client he wished to impress, a high-powered executive flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Jones, get my broker!"

The visitor was duly impressed until the secretary's voice floated back into the room, loud and clear and said, "Yes, sir. Stock or pawn?"
*******************************

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
*********************************

The New Sobriety Test?

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
**********************************

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

These are all great Carol!!
But I especially like the last one...payback can be a b...!!  :-)
[ Parent ]
Oh...almost forgot!
I hope you and yours have a very Happy New Year!!
[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend BB!
The first one is a little late in coming but you will understand why when you read it. I sort of had trouble getting over my Christmas baking experience this year! LOL

Thought that I would share my favorite Christmas Cake recipe with you.  Once again this year I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here it goes:

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups
dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon ice strain your water. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mristmas
*********************************

Rolf...

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"

"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.

The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."

He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.

The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
***********************************

Complimentary Peanuts

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there, he hears a tiny voice, "Nice shirt!"

The man looks around, but doesn't see anyone. A little while later, he hears another little voice, "That's a really cool tie."

He looks around to find the source of the voice. But again, he doesn't see anyone. The bartender notices him looking around and asks if everything is okay. The man explains that he's hearing small voices.

The bartender says, "Oh, that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."
*************************************

The Same Place

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
*********************************

Ski Trip Gone Bad

A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
***********************************

The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
*****************************************

Stress Relief:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then plop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now . . . feeling better?



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
History Lover sent this first one to me.

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For  all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were  married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something  to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of  wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her  business
trips in  Northern Arizona when she saw an  elderly

Navajo woman walking on the side of the  road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she  stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would  like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the  woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey,  Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the  Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking  intently at
everything she saw, studying every little  detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next  to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old  woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,  'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my  husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another  moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an  elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'
**************************************

Whiskey!

Tom was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

He was acquitted.
*************************************

Rear Defrosters

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.

"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is: rear defrosters."
***************************************

Surprise!

On a whim, a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work.

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming.

"This is the worst day I have ever had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes."

"And now you've got the nerve to come home drunk!"
**************************************

Controlling Your Anger

A husband asks his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger"?

"I clean the toilet bowl."

"How does that help"?

"I use your toothbrush."
***************************************

Wanna Bet?

Jim, Bob and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Jim falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Jim's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Jim's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Jim's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a good weekend.
History Lover sent this first joke to me.

Texas Beer Joint Sues Local Church over Lightning Strike!

A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".

The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church ..."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
***********************************

How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct:  

1. She is not a 'babe' or a 'chick' - she is a 'breasted American.'

2. She is not 'easy' - she is 'horizontally accessible.'

3. She is not a 'dumb blonde' - she is a 'light-haired detour off the information superhighway.'

4. She has not 'been around' - she is a 'previously enjoyed companion.'

5. She does not 'nag' you - she becomes ' verbally repetitive.'

6. She is not a 'two-bit hooker' - she is a ' low cost provider.'

How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct:

1. He does not have a 'beer gut' - he has developed a 'liquid grain storage facility.'

2. He is not a 'bad dancer' - he is 'overly Caucasian.'

3. He does not 'get lost all the time' - he ' investigates alternative destinations.'

4. He is not 'balding' - he is in 'follicle regression.'

5. He does not act like a 'total ass' - he develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion.'

6. It's not his 'crack' you see hanging out of his pants - it's 'rear cleavage.'
***************************************

A well planned life...

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life? "

"Yes," said her friend.

"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,

"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go
**************************************

The Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
***************************************

My mother taught me...

To appreciate a job well done
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside-I just finished cleaning!"

Religion
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Time travel
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Logic
"Because i said so, that's why."

Foresight
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Irony
"Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about."

Osmosis
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

Contortionism
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

Stamina
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

Weather
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

Physics problems
"If Iyelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

Hypocrisy
"If Ive told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!!!"

The circle of life
"I brought you into this world, and i can take you out."

Behavior modification
"Stop acting like your father!"

Envy
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
*************************************

How Generous of You

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
History Lover sent this first joke to me.

While creating wives God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.
***********************************

The New Job

Billy Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"

Billy Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Billy Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Billy Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
*********************************

Ask Next Time!

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.

"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the man said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

"Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" his wife cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."
*********************************

Want Some Chicken?

One day, a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So, the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So, he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
*********************************

Like Father, Like Son

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article says. The intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son."

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife. "At least our James has nothing standing in his way."
************************************

Meeting the Neighbors

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey dad," announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on, dad. You have to meet them!"

"Some other time. I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now!"

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our football is in their living room!"
***************************************

Terrible Day

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
**********************************

It's Big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

As he arrived on the plane, he mentioned to the flight attendant that it had been a very comfortable flight. "Wow, these seats are big!" he told her.

She replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

Once he had settled into his hotel room, he decided to go downstairs to the bar. He ordered a beer and had a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but missed the second door and instead went out a third door that lead to the swimming pool, which he fell into.

As he came up for air, you could hear him cry out, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
************************************

Bawling Again

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.

In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, Have a great weekend!
This first joke is a little late but to good to keep to myself! LOL

True Love

December 14, 2010

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2010

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2010

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2010

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2010

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2010

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2010

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2010

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2010

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2010

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2010

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2010

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
***************************************

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
**********************************

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
***************************************

Texting for Seniors

Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again!
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
**************************************

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
I Plead Guilty

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all of the evidence against me."
*************************************

Yes, He Does

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

And my Mom said, "He does."
**************************************

A Night Out

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, "No, I also work, out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

"He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you"?
***********************************

Caution: Hot

One day, a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth. "It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
************************************

Did you see that?

Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"

"No," Darryl replies.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."

"Oh," responded Darryl.

A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,
over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"

By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And Tom says: "Then why did you step in it?"
****************************************

Do It Yourself

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?

"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."
*****************************************

Three Day Silence

My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter"? I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
**************************************

Chinese Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."
**********************************

Kidney Stones

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining about severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Just what I needed :-) n/t

[ Parent ]
Hi UK - Bird!
Where have you been hiding, woman? LOL It's about time you checked in with us! I hope you are doing well.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
Hi Carol! :-)
I've had another computer commit suicide... must be trying to tell me something :-S

Family troubles and household hardware falling to pieces faster than I can get stuff fixed, are high on the agenda at the moment.

[ Parent ]
So sorry, UK -Bird....
I hope things get better in your life real soon. BTW, just be glad it's the household hardware falling a part and not YOU! Easier to replace those parts than to replace your parts! I will keep you in my thoughts.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
From Friday humour to Sunday cheerup
I hope you haven't seen this clip from the Two Ronnies, but even if you have, it's a good one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

Hampton Wick is a place in case you're wondering.

ROTF
Good one, UK - Bird! That's quite a production. Thanks for sharing that.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
BB, Have a great weekend!
Thank Goodness!

Tommy was sitting at the kitchen table eating his after school snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I had any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her that you were the only child in our family?"

"She just said, 'Thank Goodness!'"
****************************************

As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ?What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
*****************************************

Medical Advice

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing, he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "But I can cure pneumonia."
****************************************

Smells Good

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
*************************************

Thank Goodness!

At a Senior's Center in Florida, a group of "Seasoned Citizens" were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," complained another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another added.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can all still drive."
***************************************

A Review...

Is it time for performance reviews at your work? Here are some performance review terms and their meaning...

Outgoing Personality.....................Always going out of the office
Great Presentation Skills................Bull thrower
Good Communication Skills................Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee.........................Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified.............Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority...................Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially..........................Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially................Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker.......................Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking...........................Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker..........................Won't make a decision
Aggressive...............................Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs.............Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well................Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail...........A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities.................Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment...............Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour.....................Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded............................Back Stabber
Loyal....................................Can't get a job anywhere else
*********************************************

I saved the best one for last. History Lover sent this one to me and it's a good one!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say 'hello'?"

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Have a great weekend, BB!
A Rich Man's Will

A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family.

"To my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1million."

The lawyer concluded, "And to my cousin, Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you are wrong. Hi, Dan!"
**********************************

The Shopping Cart

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So, when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.

A full year went by before he got a call that could be traced to those placards.

"Richard Larson, CPA"? the caller asked.

"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you"?

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."
***************************************

Acting Your Age

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool: a five-year-old boy. After awhile, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave, because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"
************************************

Ready, Set, Go!

A wealthy old farmer was having a family reunion with his large family and as they all sat down to the table for a Sunday dinner, the old man looked around at his six big strapping sons and said:

"I don't see any grandchildren around this table of mine. I want you all to know that I will give $10,000 to the first one of you who presents me with a grandchild. We will now say grace."

When he raised his eyes again, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.
*************************************

Camping Tips
* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
*******************************

Where's the Restroom?

Over the years, I have usually managed to decode the cute, but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors. But every so often, I get stumped.

Recently, I wandered off in search of the men's room and found myself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco" and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, I stopped a waiter. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom." Gesturing toward the doors, I said, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the waiter said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus," he explained, "are private dining rooms."
***********************************

Let's Do This

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence; one from Chicago, another from Dallas, and the third from Fort Lauderdale. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Fort Lauderdale contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then gets out his calculator, punches in some numbers and says, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Dallas contractor steps up, takes some measurements, does some figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure"?

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Dallas."



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

LOL! Thanks Carol...
I needed the laughs today...I especially like the camping tips. I've made potatoes like that! :-)
[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
Major Problems

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off. Oops!************************************************

Trouble

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings. When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed, "Come down, Holy Spirit!"

Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters, "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat"?
***********************************

Fit?

When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."

"Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress!"
*************************************

Everybody's a Comedian

I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice.

"I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs"?

"Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.
************************************

Like a Horse

A mother said to her daughter at the dinner table, "It's very nice that you set the table for our guests, but you didn't put a knife and fork at Reverend Smith's place."

"He doesn't need them. Daddy always says he eats like a horse."
*****************************************

Wanna Go Out?

My parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl"? he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
*****************************************

Poker Game

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"?

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.

They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet"? he asked. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."

So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
*******************************************

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" "Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven."

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture"? replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!"
****************************************

Bad Recipe

A while back the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from a camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service".

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

ROTFL!! What a recipe:
Wash.  Boil.  Serve.  LOL!
Thanks, Carol!

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Have a great weekend, BB!
History Lover sent this first one to me.

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?  

33.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
*************************************

Groom Doom

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
************************************

Customer, Pay Up?

A window salesman phoned up a customer.

"Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."

Mr. Brown replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months!"
***************************************

Wrong!

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
************************************

With a Kiss

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
**************************************

Bathroom Chat

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you"?

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says, "So what are you up to"?

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over"?

Okay, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No, I'm a little busy right now!"

Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. The person in the other stall keeps answering all my questions."
***********************************

Arsenic?

Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replied.

"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nodded.

"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"

She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

=

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

A medical poem.
I dated a surgeon once but he turned out to be a lout.
To start with it was tricky getting him to take me out,
He said that taking bits of people he'd often done
But never had he taken out a person all in one.

He treated me to dinner, complained the meat was tough
Sent back 7 table knives back because they weren't sharp enough
I said "come back for coffee" he came but wasn't keen
He peered around my bedroom making sure that it was clean

I lay in bed and waited, sipping from my coffee cup
He came in from the bathroom when he'd finished scrubbing up
I caught my breath, no girl expects to see the man she loves
In back to front pyjamas and a pair of rubber gloves

With skilful hand he took my pulse and listened to my heart
But didn't seem particularly desperate to start
I said to him "don't hesitate" and then the little creep
Said "sorry but I can't begin until you've gone to sleep"

At that I turned my back on him and I must have nodded off
I woke up 8 hours later had a drink and a bit of a cough
I noticed him and said "are you still here?" He answered "yes,
And may I say that last nights operation was a success"

"Go away, go away, get out right out of my sight
At least nobody else knows what a fool I was last night"
At that the surgeon smiled and said, "that's where you're wrong my friend.
The 20 students watching all applauded at the end."

I'm not sure if I got it all right but it was from a tv programme written by Richard Stilgoe.

Now THAT was funny UK-Bird!
Who says the Brits don't have a sense of humor? :-)
[ Parent ]
ROTF!!
Good one, UK - Bird.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

[ Parent ]
BB, have a great weekend!
Yearly Physical

When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.

He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."

So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!
*********************************

Personal Injury

I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?"

"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."
**********************************

Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hintingto me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp.
***********************************

Click?

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her
seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.

She asked me, "Single click or double click?"
************************************

Family Vacation

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark and they were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?
**********************************

Tooth Fairy

I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Carrie, suddenly woke up.

Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "Aha! I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow, but her next words let me off the hook completely.

"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"
*************************************

Calling Off Work

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied female obesity to a virus. One evening, my sister came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat!"
***************************************

Please Give an Example

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, which is the act of going from a gas to a solid, while skipping the intermediate liquid stage.

As an example, he gave water vapor in the air condensing on a windshield to form ice. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas.

He was expecting dry ice as the answer when one of the students blurted out, "Burritos!"
****************************************

You Pass

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said, "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving
him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But, aren't you going to check the test"? the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned.

"You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
***********************************

Anyone Home?

A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen.

Intrigued, she knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?"

A child's voice answered, "Yep."

"Is your Father there?"

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."

"Well, is your Mother there?"

"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."

"Are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"
*************************************

Learning From Marriage

At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such a long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife"?

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"
***********************************

The Blonde Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
The first and last ones are "oldies but a goodies". They still cracks me up! LOL
**********************

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... "LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
**********************************

Accidental Employment Application

While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question: "Person to notify in case of an accident."

Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight!!!"
***********************************

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a runway at night...

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the runway lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
*************************************

Every weekday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small town received a call from a man asking for the exact time.

One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why he called so often. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," the man explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle exactly at noon, so I call you to get the correct time."

"That's funny," the operator giggled. "All these years, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
************************************

A man is praying to God. Lord, he prays, I would like to ask you a question.

And the Lord replies, no problem, go ahead.

Lord, is it true that a million years to you is but a second?

And the Lord says, yes, that is true. Well then, what is a million dollars to you? And the Lord says, a million dollars to me is but a penny.

To this, the man replies, then, lord, may I have a penny?

Sure, says the lord. Just a second.
**************************************

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
******************************************

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
*********************************

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?".

The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
***************************************

Two hunters, Bob and Fred, were on a hunting trip.

After about a half hour of walking, they sat down for a rest.

Bob says to Fred, "I'm not feeling too good".

Fred says, "Well, we can walk back to the truck".

Bob says, "Yeah, lets do that".

So they start walking. About 15 minutes later, Bob falls over. Fred panics and calls 911.

The operator answers, "911, what's your emergency?"

Fred says "My friend fell over with a heart attack, I think he's dead, what do I do"?

The operator says, "Well first make sure he's dead".

Fred says, "OK".

The operator hears a BANG!!!

Fred gets back on the phone and says, "OK. He's dead... now what?"



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
Tea Party

One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"
************************************

How Much?

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $3.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 25 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
***********************************

Fear of Flying

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.

"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom. When it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
****************************************

Right on the Bottom

Timmy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
***********************************

Comments made in 1955!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous...

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President..

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now..

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore, with hotels now costing us $2.00 per night!

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.'
*************************************

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines a couple years ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG a couple years ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers a couple years ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer a couple years ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you darned proud to be an American!!!



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

BB, have a great weekend!
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
******************************

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
*********************************

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light gleams in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
**************************************

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer........

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):

Your letter regarding title in Case No..189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803 , the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.
**************************************

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
********************************

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me".

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
*********************************

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, which caused my death."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?" he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

Have a great weekend, BB!
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*******************************

Here for what?

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said, "Here's a week's pay - now get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"
**********************************

Fall Out

During a friendly argument, Jill's husband asked her why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased.

When he replied that he was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
*********************************

Bills!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
**********************************

Helpful Tips for Idiots

* Don't throw a brick straight up.

* Don't take naps in the road.

* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

* Don't microwave yourself.

* Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.

* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

* When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
*********************************

Flower or Flour?

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower"?

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it"?
********************************

How Old Are You?

The doctor said to a patient's husband, "I'm sorry. We did all that was humanly possible, but we just can't wake her from her coma. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid."

"But doctor, she's so young! She's only thirty-nine."

Upon which the comatose wife said weakly, "Thirty-seven."
************************************

Tired Puppy

An old, tired looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day, he was back. He resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar that said, "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day, he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar. It said, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?!"
***********************************

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

That first one is (ouch) funny!
 LOL and groan...   It's a sign of the times, I guess.  

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it."  Flannery O'Connor
[ Parent ]
Hi Jane
I'm glad I gave you a chuckle.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --Unknown

     

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